Certain people are reading my blog that I do not want reading it and I feel the integrity of my blog has been compromised. If you would like the site of my new blog then please message me or leave a comment and I will send you the link.

Youtube

Day 48: Let's talk about internet communities. I know all of you on Tumblr are familiar with the Tumblr community but what about other types of communities found on the internet? The main one I can think of ,that I have experienced, is youtube. From the outside youtube looks simple. To most people it is a place to find music videos and to watch viral videos of animals being cute. To me it is so much more then that. I know this through having had a youtube channel for over a year. I've gotten a lot of support from perfect strangers and it amazes me. There are videos that I have watched that greatly effected my life.There is one video that stands out in my mind, that I believe, may have saved my life.

It's this video from Blade376 called "You are not alone": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n44hl9J7xoM I remember watching this video and I just started crying because I related so much to what he was saying. As silly as it sounds, this video gave me hope and courage to want to get help. I posted a comment on the video explaning my situation and a very kind person messaged me a very long message trying to help. She told me about her own problems and explained how she had dealt with them and she tried to help through mine.

Through this video, a random stranger showed extreme kindness to me and it inspired me to get help. I would suggest everyone watch this video because you or someone you know will be able to gain something from it. I want to start making youtube videos again but this time with a different spin. I was doing comedic videos before but I want to start doing videos about depression, suicide, and cutting. I'm not a professional but I feel like my own personal experiences could help others. Even if I could help just one person, it would be worth it.

I remember sometime last year one youtuber hadn't made a video in a couple of weeks. He made a video explaining where he had been...he had tried to kill himself. I was in disbelief that this guy who I was used to seeing make videos every week had tried to kill himself. It was amazing how the youtube community rallied around him though. Every comment was supportive and encouraging. It's crazy the power the internet has and how communities like these form. I'm such a nerd, I would find it interesting to study how exactly communities on the internet form.

I never thought I would see love on the internet. Not romantic love but pure compassion and love for fellow man. It changed my perspective on youtube and the power it had. It wasn't just a place for music videos anymore or beauty tutorials, it was a place for people to come together for common interests. I think you have to be a part of the youtube community to understand it but it really is an amazing thing when a random person on the internet supports you through a problem. This brings me back to my original point of remodeling my youtube channel. That is my goal for the month, to start making youtube videos again. I'll post the first video I make here once it's up.

Beach Day

Day 47: My day was pretty much perfect. It consisted of the beach, talking, kissing, hugging, holding hands, milkshakes, sand, and smiling. The only thing that would have made it better is if I hadn't had to lie about it. I seriously hate my parents on this one topic. I hate lying over something/someone that makes me so happy. Again I ask the question, is the guilt worth it? Is the risk of losing my parents trust worth someone who makes me so happy? I guess it is because the other option is not going for it and being depressed over not taking a chance.

I suppose the worst that could happen is I get grounded until I'm 18 which is only a year and two months away. It would be torture but I'm sure I could survive some how. I'm so happy right now though. Do you know what I just realized? I didn't think about David once today. :) I'm glad I've moved on, I hope he's as happy as I am. I miss him a lot as a friend. I miss his sense of humor and hearing about all of the dumb stuff he would do. It's like I lost my best friend. My really good friend who I would talk to every day about everything is gone. That makes me sad. Oh well, I've done all I can to rekindle our friendship and he pretty much wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure he thinks I'm some kind of psycho.

Excited

Day 46: I can't think of anything to write, I'm far too excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm seeing HIM! :D I wrote this poem though. It's crap but gets my point across.I might add on to this, it's a work in progress.

We both had severed and broken hearts

you healed mine and sealed up the crack

but I still have the scar that scares me

so I shut down before that feeling starts.

You told me once that love isn't

worth the pain, nothing is ever right

or stays the same, love is too much of an

affliction to try again, we're left alone.

Take this gamble with me, roll the dice

just one more time. This is a chance

I want to take, I can't let you pass by

take this chance with me, please.

Lying

Day 45: I hate lying. Unfortunately, I'm good at it. Also unfortunately, my parents trust me because they have never found out about anything I've done. It's almost like I like lying. The excitement of it, the rush, trying to figure out if you're going to get caught. It's sick and twisted. One of the main things I lie about is when I hangout with guys, whether it's in a friendly or romantic way. My parents don't want me dating so hanging out alone with a guy is out of the question, even if we're just friends. It's stupid and I hate lying over something so stupid.

I lie about how I feel too. Ever since I started the Abilify my dad makes me send him my "numbers" every day. A 1 being the worst like, "I'm going to kill myself" and a 10 being, "Life is amazing!" I lie and say I'm still feeling like a five because I don't want them to know that I'm happy. I know that sounds weird but my thinking is like this. If they know I'm happy on such a low dose of medicine, they're going to want to know why. Danny is what is making me so happy. If they find out about him, it's over. I know that reasoning makes no sense but it's the way I'm thinking about it.

I lie when they ask me if I'm suicidal. I always say no. One time my mom found a goodbye note that I had written and I profusely denied being suicidal. I acted like I was just being creative with my writing and that there was no reason for them to worry. It's  a weird feeling, happiness. I don't think of killing myself every day anymore, I don't cut, I don't feel like a shell of a person anymore. I feel complete inside. The best part is that I'm not even worried anymore about getting depressed again. I know this time, I know it's not going to fade. I'll have my bad days just like everyone but I'm never going back to that place. I can't and I won't.

Breathe

Day 44: I used to make fun of those girls who would say they were in love after a month of dating their boyfriend. I used to say that it was impossible to fall for someone that fast and that people who said that were just infatuated. I still have a hard time believing it even though I have experienced it myself. It's a weird feeling when you aren't in love yet but you have a high suspicion you're going to fall in love with the person. It's almost inevitable. Like, "I don't love you yet but it would be so easy to fall in love with you."

I can feel myself falling and fast. Relationships are a funny thing. It's the best and strangest feeling when you feel 100% comfortable with someone and feel like you've known them your while life but you've only known them for a little bit. It's scary too. It's scary because I still have that pain from the last time I felt this way and I don't want to get hurt again. It's scary because I've felt this way before and then that person completely turned on me. It scares me that people can just change over night.

I don't want to rush this feeling. I love this feeling where anything is possible and you don't know what will happen to next. It's the start of something and maybe everything. It's the feeling before things get too serious and you're so in love with the person it makes you crazy. It's kind of like the calm before the storm, the breathe before for you jump, the silence before a clap of thunder. It's that moment where you pause before something big happens. Are you about to become a big thing in my life? Is this the start of everything? Or nothing?

Tacos

Day 43: My psychiatrist really annoys me sometimes. I just want to bash her peppy little head against the wall. Of course, that's probably why I am seeing a psychiatrist at all. She just won't listen to me and it's frustrating.

Her: Aren't you overreacting?

Me: *explains why I'm not overreacting*

Her: Don't you think you're overreacting?

Me:*tries to be patient and explains again*

Her: *makes no effort to see my viewpoint* So you're overeacting?

GAH NO I'M NOT OVERREACTING, MY REACTION IS PERFECTLY NORMAL!

My therapist is much more understanding but my psychiatrist is just annoying. Unfortunately, I have to put up with  her because she prescribes the lovely drugs that keep me sane. In other news, I had Taco Bell today. I rarely have Taco Bell since there's about five great Mexican restaurants  right by my house but I felt like having some artificial mexican food. I got two crunchy tacos and they were quite delicious. Keep in mind they were nothing like real mexican food but they were yummy all the same.

Fallin' for you

Day 42: Sigh sigh sigh. I am in major crush mode. I love this feeling. The feeling of something new and exciting, where anything is possible. That part of  a relationship where you're completely infatuated by the other person and the tough stuff hasn't come yet.I know I'll love the next feeling even more, the feeling of love. I'm falling hard, I'm falling fast. My heartbreak is gone and I've completely moved on. I feel like flying. I feel amazing. Ah I didn't think I would feel this way for a while but I do. Love songs are playing full blast, flirty texts are being sent, and plans are being made. We made a list of everything we want to do together. It's not done but we have twenty I think. Go on a picnic, go to the beach, kiss in the rain, and things like that.

I have all this energy. I feel like going for a run. Just running and running until my feet leave the ground and I fly way up into the sky. That sounds nice. I could float up there above the clouds and rain. Fly over a city, fly over the country, fly over the ocean. Perfect silence up there. These are the kinds of daydreams I have. In my daydreams I often have super powers. I once had this day dream I was with the cast of Heroes and we saved the world together. I'm not sure how I got that zoned out...

Do you know what I hate? People who are either proud of being a bitch or people who act like you better watch out for them. "You better watch out if you aren't nice/polite to me because I'm a bitch." Um, okay? Is that supposed to scare me? It honestly makes no sense to me and annoys me when people makes stupid threats like that. Your threatening to be mean/impolite? Okay...*cough*crazy *cough*. Just a random thought I had.

Stalkers

Day 41: My dad told me today that I can't talk to Danny anymore. Well that's a bit of a problem considering we are going on a date and if that goes well, he's going to be my boyfriend. I hate lying, I really do but I can't let someone that makes me happy pass me by. Am I wrong to do this? Maybe I am, but maybe I'm not. I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like my future is hopeless. I want to live and be happy. I don't think there's any limit on what I would do to be happy. I'm not talking about drugs or anything destructive, I'm just not going to let my parents stand in the way of my happiness.

Does that makes sense? Or do I just sound like a basket case right now? I'm writing a poem right now that I might post tomorrow. It's hard for me to organize my thoughts though so I don't know how long it will take to finish it. I have a topic for today: facebook stalkers. Don't even deny it, you know you're a lurker. We all are, it's almost impossible not to be one. You click on someone's page for a perfectly innocent reason like to write on their wall or to look at a new picture they posted. Somehow you get sidetracked when you see something that interests you and before you know it you've been looking through their whole page like an incredible creep. Okay, I admit, I've done this once when trying to find out who hooked up with who at my school.

I'm not proud of it, but facebook stalking sucks you in. You don't even know you're doing it until you catch yourself doing it. Honestly, I'm not that much of a stalker but I know some people who are. They go all out trying to find out about their ex-friends, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, enemies, etc. That's a little too far for me. If it pops up on my newsfeed and I see it, then fine. If you're actively looking all the time for new information about whoever you're stalking...too far ha.

Jobs

Day 40: I know I'm a day late with this post but I'm sick and I didn't get a chance to do it yesterday. I'll still post it under the correct date though. I went over my texting. I was under the impression that I had unlimited so I had been texting Danny a lot. My dad called me this morning telling me if I ever so much as spoke to Danny again I would be grounded. Are you kidding me...? I am so pissed when I already offered to pay for the bill and now he's telling me I can never talk to one of my friends again.

I think I'm just going to get a pre-paid phone. Then I can call and text who I want without my parents getting on my back about it. I would have to keep the phone a secret but I think I could do it. I don't even care if I get caught, screw them. I hate not being eighteen. I've been looking for a job but I need to get more aggressive about it if I want to have enough money to move out. I have applied to Starbucks, CVS, Panera, Macy's, and Target. I think I'll go today and get an application from Subway.

You

Day 39: It's funny how when I'm most depressed I think about you. I think about how you're out there living your life and how I'm no longer a part of it. I'm no longer a part of it and you like it that way. You used to tell me when you were pissed at your parents, the things you and your friends did, funny stories that made me laugh. I think about how you used to rap and sing over the phone. I think about how we would skype but we both had to be quiet so we would just type and smile at each other. I've been having this dream where I see you again, sometime in the future, and we get back together. I hate that dream.

I can't get Tahiti out of my mind, memories of those perfect nights pop into my head whenever I close my eyes . I keep going over everything in my mind. It's like I think that if I go over it enough times you'll remember how you used to feel about me and call. I know that will never happen. I have this memory of when we were talking on the phone one time and you said, "I'm always worried about you." The way your voice sounded in that moment made me believe you cared. I remember when you told me you had never felt this way before but you didn't mind because it was with the right girl. I remember when you told me I was so different from all of the girls you had hooked up with/dated and how much you cared about me. You said I meant as much to you as your best friend. You were my best friend. Most of all I remember all of the times you promised never to hurt me.

I used to feel stupid for letting myself get hurt and deceived by you but now looking back, I see you were the perfect liar. Or maybe you weren't lying, you really did mean those things at the time. Maybe you were just a foolish boy making promises you couldn't keep and saying things you didn't fully understand. I'll never know since you refuse to talk to me or even explain why. I think about our last real conversation and how you said that you weren't good for my life and so that we shouldn't keep talking. The last time we talked you said you were afraid that if we kept talking more bad things would happen. I keep wondering if that's why you stopped talking to me, if you thought it was better for both of us. That possibility is the one that makes me cry the most.

The other possibilities only involve me being hurt but that possibility involves both of us hurting. I never want you to be hurt. I would hate it if I found out years later that was the reason behind all of this. That would mean we would both still loved each other, but you let me go because you thought it was the right thing to do. I hope every day that is not the case. I would rather believe you are a jerk then to think you are doing this to protect me. I would hate it if you were doing this because you loved me.

Singing

Day 38: Danny is singing on the phone for me. He sang "Must Have Done Something Right" and "I Miss You".  I didn't want to sing on the phone but I sang  Light's cover of "Fall Back Down". It wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it was going to be. I have decided that on Monday I'm going to start a 30 day tumblr challenge. Here's the list:

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 10 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Who are you?

Commitment Phobe

Day 37: I feel crappy today. I feel like I'm going to hurt him. I never really thought about it but I think I'm afraid of commitment. I never thought I was the type but I think I am. I get really anxious just thinking about being tied down in a relationship. With David it was easy because he lived across the country and we weren't officially together. I had my life and he had his but I still got that feeling of love and that someone cared about me. I wonder how things would have worked out if he had lived here? Would I have screwed up our relationship in another way by not wanting to officialy be together?

I'm a fan of the "together but not together" relationship. You act like a couple but you're not. You can still have your own life, you can still be independent. I hate feeling smothered. I found this article with signs that you're afraid of commitment. The ones in bold are ones I do.

Top 10 signs you’re commitment-phobic:

1. You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
2. You go from one short-lived relationship to the next. Lately I have been.
3. You have a habit of dating "unavailable" men.
   
4. You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.
5. You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.
6. You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.
7. You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.
8. You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past. Well not a lot  of relationships but for the one relationship I had yes.
9. Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships. (school)
10. You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.

6/10

Dang, I guess that means I have an issue of commitment. How do you deal with that? I hate myself sometimes. I hate the way I only want something until I have it. Once I have it I don't want it. I hate how my heart cannot make up its mind. I hate feeling confused. I hate the "hot" and "cold" feeling, how I'm always changing my mind. I thought I was a nice person, but now I'm not so sure...

Happy Day

Day 36: I am happy. I hate that my parents think it's because of my medication. It may partially be that but I think it's mainly because of all of the wonderful people in my life! I am having a great day. Hopefully, this is the first of many. :)

Ways I know I'm happy:

I'm listening to Taylor Swift's love songs. (In fact I'm listening to love songs in general)

I'm encouraging other people/trying to help others. I'm not being selfish, yay!

I can eat.

I can sleep without having nightmares.

I feel crazy bubbly when I talk to you, which is all the time. :)

I can't stop using smileys!

Sigh. I feel like flying...

Crush

Day 35: I wrote a post yesterday but I didn’t post it because Tumblr was screwed up from maintenance. Then when I came back it had been deleted. Boo. Let’s see how did it start…Arwen in crush mode is never a good thing. I’m not talking about a one sided crush, I’m talking about where the person likes me back. I turn into one of those “everything is great in the world” types. I hate those people. I have become what I hate. I don’t have much to say today except I think I’m getting sick. I have a sore throat. Blah. Good news is that I have a date. We’re going to the zoo. :)

I am currently:

Doing American History homework

Listening to Lights <3

Writing this blog

Talking to Ashley on AIM

Play 21 questions with… :) I think I’m going to keep who it is a secret for now. Not that anyone reading this cares but I like to keep things a secret.

Talking with Gordon on facebook about procrastination.

11:11

Day 34: I hate how I feel like I’ve moved on from “him who shall not be named” but then something reminds me of him. Then I end up thinking about him. I don’t want to think about him! I don’t want to think about good memories! He’s not worth it and doesn’t even deserve to be thought about. I know he’s not thinking about me so there’s no way I’m thinking about him. Crap I’m writing about him. Um…let’s change the subject.

Do you have a friend who makes you smile like crazy? I always smile when I’m texting my friend Danny, I just get this goofy grin on my face. It’s odd that I smile that much but I like being happy. Last night we stayed up to wish on 11:11. I love wishing on things. I think it gives me hope even if it is false. I really don’t have much to say except that I’m tired. Seriously tired. I may go to bed early which I never ever do. I also suck at piano. I really need to practice. I made a complete fool out of myself in class. As a side note there is a guy who doesn’t wear shoes in my film class. I don’t know why, he just doesn’t.

Little Things

Day 33: I feel quite happy today. I am eating a delicious frozen yogurt while listening to Eisley. It's very hot outside, 109 according to my car. The upside of this is being able to relax inside my cool air-conditioned house. I love taking a nap when it's hot, I don't know why. I just find it incredibly pleasant. I'm going to make a list of things I love that are simple like that.

Naps on rainy cold days

Hot chocolate and a fire when it rains

Eating watermelon in a bathing suit during the summer, letting the juice dribble everywhere.

Midnight snacks

Balboa Park at night

Warm, melted brie cheese with brioche and apricot jam

Long hugs where it feels like you've melted into the other person

Hitting every green light

When you find the perfect word for the sentence you're writing

Dancing to party music while you're getting ready to go out. That feeling of excitement for the night.

Black eyeliner

Perfect moments

The chemistry between you and the person you like

Roller coasters

Riding a bike down a big hill

Complete silence

Smiles that make you melt.

I love that you send me good morning texts every day, no matter what. Even though I won our contest. :)

 

People who use your and you're correctly

Butterflies

A warm summer breeze at night

Lost

Day 32: In case you (I don't think anyone is reading this actually) haven't guessed it from my last two posts, I've started cutting again. I can't talk to the person I usually do about it because I don't want to stress her out or cause her any more problems so  I tried to talk to another friend about it. Basically he just made me feel crappier. He said how I was disrespecting my body, how cutting didn't make anything better, and that cutting was for the weak and for those who couldn't show true emotion.

DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?!? Cutters know all of these things, better then anyone. I wanted some reassurance that things would be okay, that I would be able to stop. Sometimes I wish I was back in the hospital where everyone understood exactly what I was saying. People out here have no freaking clue. I know it doesn't fix anything! I have personal experience with it obviously I know that! Now I know for 100 percent that I can't talk about cutting with those who haven't done it. They have good intentions and they want to help but they just can't.

I don't know how to stop. I stopped for six months and then for two and now I'm back at it again. It seems the two months that I quit has diminished my pain tolerance because I can't cut very deep now. I guess that's a good thing. I know I'll be back to where I was soon though, trying to cut deeper, and that scares me. I hate feeling trapped again now that I know how it feels to be free of cutting. On the other hand I don't see a point to stop.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I think I'm doing great and trying my best but then everyone else thinks I'm a screw up/psycho. I hate all of these stereotypes about self-injury, depression, suicide, etc. I just had another friend tell me last night that her dad didn't want me hanging out with her because I upset her. Wow, really? I don't desert my friends because their problems "upset" me. Everyone is always telling me "Oh you need to open up and stop being so closed down" but then when I do they leave me. Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it.

I think I'm going to go back to how I used to be, not telling anyone anything. It was a protection and it was a lot easier. It's tough not talking about things but it's easier that way. People will think I'm better, my friends will come back. I can't let anyone know what my mind is really like. Look at how that turned out when I did tell people what I was really like. Sigh sigh sigh sigh. I really don't know what to do...about any of it. How can things be such a mess?

This is not what I planned for myself. This is not what I dreamed of doing at 16 as a little girl. I dreamed of driving, boyfriends, jobs, and fun with my friends. If you had described how I am now to my eight year old self I would have thought you were talking about a crazy person. I never would have guessed that I would be that crazy person.

Rock Bottom

Day 31: Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom the floor crumbles beneath me and I hit the ground again. How much farther until I’m really and truly at the bottom and I can start climbing back up? Each time I try and get back up I fall. Falling hurts and it makes me not want to get back up. I thought the getting drunk and cutting was rock bottom. I didn’t think there was any way things could get worse. I thought the hospital was rock bottom. I didn’t think things could get worse. Then David refused to talk to me, I lost him. I didn’t think things could get worse.

I had an allergic reaction to my medicine and had to go off of both of my medications. I had to go on prednisone which caused major mood swings. I didn’t think things could  get worse. My best friend isn’t allowed to hangout with me anymore because her parents think I stress her out too much and am giving her panic attacks. It’s my fault… I didn’t think things could get worse. Then I see the red lines on my thighs, the ones I promised to never have there again. Yet somehow they showed up… I didn’t think things could get worse.

I wrote goodbye notes and planned to kill myself Friday but the next morning I felt better. I didn’t think things could get worse. I told my friend I started cutting again (I thought at least one person should know) and she told her dad who told my dad. My parents are watching me like hawks now and they think I’m suicidal. I don’t think things can get any worse…I hope they won’t. I always say that this is the last floor I will hit, the last break down I will have. I always mean it, I try, I really do. I just can never pull through, how can I when no one can handle me? I’m too much of a burden for everyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be with my friends because I’m afraid of being left again. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m really just tired in general. Tired of living, tired of trying, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. I wish I was 18. I want to leave and get away from here and everyone I know. I want to go to a big city where I can blend in. No one will care about me. I’ll have acquaintances and co-workers but no friends. I want to forget everything here.

Razor Friend

Day 30: Possibly the worst friday night ever. Ok, I'm sure I've had worse but this comes pretty close. I don't feel like going into details but because one of my "friends" told her dad about how I was feeling I'm under a freaking sucide watch. Seriously? My dad is staying here and watching me. He wanted to take me to the hospital again, luckily that didn't happen. It's such bull, I hate it. Here's a poem I wrote:

My relationships have lost their essence

pushed some too far,  became too near

to others, can't find the right distance

to keep everyone safe this year

things have become too severe

for me to keep everyone sane.

Say too much, say too little

I say or do the wrong things

I act too insane or crazy

I think I'll start to lie.

"Why yes I'm in my right mind."

Sitting in my room cutting alone

I'm finally in the zone, in control

blobs of blood bubble up, my own.

 It trickles down, slick drops roll.

My lungs inflate, filled with the air

that only comes from sweet pain.

Like a life-saving press to the chest

I'm saved, alive for a short time.

I admire the slim little razor in my hand

thinking how good of a friend it is

"It's never a balancing act with you

you're always there in a crisis."