Happy Day

Day 36: I am happy. I hate that my parents think it's because of my medication. It may partially be that but I think it's mainly because of all of the wonderful people in my life! I am having a great day. Hopefully, this is the first of many. :)

Ways I know I'm happy:

I'm listening to Taylor Swift's love songs. (In fact I'm listening to love songs in general)

I'm encouraging other people/trying to help others. I'm not being selfish, yay!

I can eat.

I can sleep without having nightmares.

I feel crazy bubbly when I talk to you, which is all the time. :)

I can't stop using smileys!

Sigh. I feel like flying...

Crush

Day 35: I wrote a post yesterday but I didn’t post it because Tumblr was screwed up from maintenance. Then when I came back it had been deleted. Boo. Let’s see how did it start…Arwen in crush mode is never a good thing. I’m not talking about a one sided crush, I’m talking about where the person likes me back. I turn into one of those “everything is great in the world” types. I hate those people. I have become what I hate. I don’t have much to say today except I think I’m getting sick. I have a sore throat. Blah. Good news is that I have a date. We’re going to the zoo. :)

I am currently:

Doing American History homework

Listening to Lights <3

Writing this blog

Talking to Ashley on AIM

Play 21 questions with… :) I think I’m going to keep who it is a secret for now. Not that anyone reading this cares but I like to keep things a secret.

Talking with Gordon on facebook about procrastination.

11:11

Day 34: I hate how I feel like I’ve moved on from “him who shall not be named” but then something reminds me of him. Then I end up thinking about him. I don’t want to think about him! I don’t want to think about good memories! He’s not worth it and doesn’t even deserve to be thought about. I know he’s not thinking about me so there’s no way I’m thinking about him. Crap I’m writing about him. Um…let’s change the subject.

Do you have a friend who makes you smile like crazy? I always smile when I’m texting my friend Danny, I just get this goofy grin on my face. It’s odd that I smile that much but I like being happy. Last night we stayed up to wish on 11:11. I love wishing on things. I think it gives me hope even if it is false. I really don’t have much to say except that I’m tired. Seriously tired. I may go to bed early which I never ever do. I also suck at piano. I really need to practice. I made a complete fool out of myself in class. As a side note there is a guy who doesn’t wear shoes in my film class. I don’t know why, he just doesn’t.

Little Things

Day 33: I feel quite happy today. I am eating a delicious frozen yogurt while listening to Eisley. It's very hot outside, 109 according to my car. The upside of this is being able to relax inside my cool air-conditioned house. I love taking a nap when it's hot, I don't know why. I just find it incredibly pleasant. I'm going to make a list of things I love that are simple like that.

Naps on rainy cold days

Hot chocolate and a fire when it rains

Eating watermelon in a bathing suit during the summer, letting the juice dribble everywhere.

Midnight snacks

Balboa Park at night

Warm, melted brie cheese with brioche and apricot jam

Long hugs where it feels like you've melted into the other person

Hitting every green light

When you find the perfect word for the sentence you're writing

Dancing to party music while you're getting ready to go out. That feeling of excitement for the night.

Black eyeliner

Perfect moments

The chemistry between you and the person you like

Roller coasters

Riding a bike down a big hill

Complete silence

Smiles that make you melt.

I love that you send me good morning texts every day, no matter what. Even though I won our contest. :)

 

People who use your and you're correctly

Butterflies

A warm summer breeze at night

Lost

Day 32: In case you (I don't think anyone is reading this actually) haven't guessed it from my last two posts, I've started cutting again. I can't talk to the person I usually do about it because I don't want to stress her out or cause her any more problems so  I tried to talk to another friend about it. Basically he just made me feel crappier. He said how I was disrespecting my body, how cutting didn't make anything better, and that cutting was for the weak and for those who couldn't show true emotion.

DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?!? Cutters know all of these things, better then anyone. I wanted some reassurance that things would be okay, that I would be able to stop. Sometimes I wish I was back in the hospital where everyone understood exactly what I was saying. People out here have no freaking clue. I know it doesn't fix anything! I have personal experience with it obviously I know that! Now I know for 100 percent that I can't talk about cutting with those who haven't done it. They have good intentions and they want to help but they just can't.

I don't know how to stop. I stopped for six months and then for two and now I'm back at it again. It seems the two months that I quit has diminished my pain tolerance because I can't cut very deep now. I guess that's a good thing. I know I'll be back to where I was soon though, trying to cut deeper, and that scares me. I hate feeling trapped again now that I know how it feels to be free of cutting. On the other hand I don't see a point to stop.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I think I'm doing great and trying my best but then everyone else thinks I'm a screw up/psycho. I hate all of these stereotypes about self-injury, depression, suicide, etc. I just had another friend tell me last night that her dad didn't want me hanging out with her because I upset her. Wow, really? I don't desert my friends because their problems "upset" me. Everyone is always telling me "Oh you need to open up and stop being so closed down" but then when I do they leave me. Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it.

I think I'm going to go back to how I used to be, not telling anyone anything. It was a protection and it was a lot easier. It's tough not talking about things but it's easier that way. People will think I'm better, my friends will come back. I can't let anyone know what my mind is really like. Look at how that turned out when I did tell people what I was really like. Sigh sigh sigh sigh. I really don't know what to do...about any of it. How can things be such a mess?

This is not what I planned for myself. This is not what I dreamed of doing at 16 as a little girl. I dreamed of driving, boyfriends, jobs, and fun with my friends. If you had described how I am now to my eight year old self I would have thought you were talking about a crazy person. I never would have guessed that I would be that crazy person.

Rock Bottom

Day 31: Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom the floor crumbles beneath me and I hit the ground again. How much farther until I’m really and truly at the bottom and I can start climbing back up? Each time I try and get back up I fall. Falling hurts and it makes me not want to get back up. I thought the getting drunk and cutting was rock bottom. I didn’t think there was any way things could get worse. I thought the hospital was rock bottom. I didn’t think things could get worse. Then David refused to talk to me, I lost him. I didn’t think things could get worse.

I had an allergic reaction to my medicine and had to go off of both of my medications. I had to go on prednisone which caused major mood swings. I didn’t think things could  get worse. My best friend isn’t allowed to hangout with me anymore because her parents think I stress her out too much and am giving her panic attacks. It’s my fault… I didn’t think things could get worse. Then I see the red lines on my thighs, the ones I promised to never have there again. Yet somehow they showed up… I didn’t think things could get worse.

I wrote goodbye notes and planned to kill myself Friday but the next morning I felt better. I didn’t think things could get worse. I told my friend I started cutting again (I thought at least one person should know) and she told her dad who told my dad. My parents are watching me like hawks now and they think I’m suicidal. I don’t think things can get any worse…I hope they won’t. I always say that this is the last floor I will hit, the last break down I will have. I always mean it, I try, I really do. I just can never pull through, how can I when no one can handle me? I’m too much of a burden for everyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be with my friends because I’m afraid of being left again. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m really just tired in general. Tired of living, tired of trying, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. I wish I was 18. I want to leave and get away from here and everyone I know. I want to go to a big city where I can blend in. No one will care about me. I’ll have acquaintances and co-workers but no friends. I want to forget everything here.

Razor Friend

Day 30: Possibly the worst friday night ever. Ok, I'm sure I've had worse but this comes pretty close. I don't feel like going into details but because one of my "friends" told her dad about how I was feeling I'm under a freaking sucide watch. Seriously? My dad is staying here and watching me. He wanted to take me to the hospital again, luckily that didn't happen. It's such bull, I hate it. Here's a poem I wrote:

My relationships have lost their essence

pushed some too far,  became too near

to others, can't find the right distance

to keep everyone safe this year

things have become too severe

for me to keep everyone sane.

Say too much, say too little

I say or do the wrong things

I act too insane or crazy

I think I'll start to lie.

"Why yes I'm in my right mind."

Sitting in my room cutting alone

I'm finally in the zone, in control

blobs of blood bubble up, my own.

 It trickles down, slick drops roll.

My lungs inflate, filled with the air

that only comes from sweet pain.

Like a life-saving press to the chest

I'm saved, alive for a short time.

I admire the slim little razor in my hand

thinking how good of a friend it is

"It's never a balancing act with you

you're always there in a crisis."