Screw You

Day 6: I mentioned a guy named David in my "About Me" post. Basically we met on vacation and live on other sides of the country. We've been talking but we have never been officially together because of the long distance thing. Together but not together. He just told me last night that he doesn't want to talk anymore because I was hospitalized. That he "feels different". And I don't? I was the one who actually had to go to the hospital and he's the one who never called! He said that he still cares about me but doesn't want to keep talking. The worst part is this was all over facebook chat so after he dropped this bomb he just went offline. I was of course completely shocked and confused. I wrote him a strongly worded message, telling him to stop being such a coward, was everything he said a lie, etc. A couple hours later I wrote another message that was much calmer, explaining that I just wanted to talk. I need and deserve closure.

Today, he changed his profile picture from us to his deformed ugly face. He obviously was online but either didn't read my messages or read them and ignored them. I think it was the latter. Needless to say I am beyond pissed. After all of the crap he told me about how he had never felt this way before, he loved me, would always be there for me, and the worst of all; he would never hurt me. BULL S***. I never cuss by the way but I am extremely upset so I figured some bleeped out words would be appropriate. After all of the promises that he made, now he won't even talk to me. I don't want to change his mind I just want to understand why. I know I deserve at least that much. 

What makes me even angrier is that he is the one who wanted to keep talking. I told him specifically, "You can't handle my problems. You will stop liking me because of them." "Oh no, I would never do that, I'll help you through everything." BULL S***! I feel so naive and dumb for falling for any of the trash David spewed at me. I feel a little bit better now...I just needed to vent. Feel free to leave me revenge breakup songs or your own personal experiences dealing with low lives.

Right Side of the Rash

Day 5: I woke up on the right side of the bed today. Despite getting only 4 hours of sleep, I felt energetic and ready to face the day. It's a new day, the slate is wiped clean.  I was even singing, "Yes, words can't bring me down, So don't you bring me down today" in my head. That shows the magnitude of the situation/my mood. Not anything or anyone was going to ruin my day. As all of these positive thoughts are running through my mind and the good energy is practically beaming out of me, I discover something horiffic.

A rash. That's right a red, bumpy, head to toe rash. Just the word rash makes you itch. I bet you just scratched yourself, don't deny it. I'm not going to go into any more details about the r*** because no one wants to hear about nasty things like that. If I am grossed out by even writing about it, how much more so will the reader be reading about it. The r*** is probably being caused by one of my new medications but I'm still waiting for my doctor's appointment for the final verdict.

Anywho, so I woke up feeling on top of the world. I was ready to dominate. Seriously...DOMINATE! I was going to go to a boot camp class at the gym, then go to my therapist appointment, and then go shopping for beads to make some bracelets. Yep, shopping for beads. Hardcore. I had my whole day planned out but it had all been ruined  by the thing that shall not be named. I cannot go out in public looking like a leper. The only part of my day that stayed the same was seeing my therapist. Joy. I hope you can all see the sarcasm dripping off of that word.

This post could easily turn into a "woe is me" rant, but no. Not going to happen. I am still in the best of moods. I am estatic about life. The birds are chirping, there's a nice breeze blowing in through the window, it's warm but not too hot, I'm jamming to some upbeat tunes...life is freaking good! Not just good, great! My plans (they weren't that great of plans anyway) fell through, so what? I can do them another day.

I now have the opportunity to be lazy without feeling guilty about it. I can take an oatmeal bath, laze around with The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and maybe even have a movie/t.v. show marathon of some sort. Star Trek, House, the Lord of the Rings series, the Star Wars series, the Spider-Man series, etc. I have a lot of options in regards to the T.V. I can lounge around eating Hot Cheetos (my favorite chip by the way) and not have to worry about a single calorie. I am declaring today an official sick day. I rarely have days where I feel like this, so I'm not going to let anything ruin it. I also rarely have a positive attitude, so enjoy it while it lasts. Well, I'm off to enjoy this glorious and majestic day. :)

Don't Fall

Day 4: I actually had to go and look at my previous posts today to remember what day I was on. Day 4, I never thought I'd make it this far. I decided that today I will post a poem. I wrote this poem after reading the stories of other self-injurers on online forums. Please don't read it if you're sensitive and are easily upset. Afterall, this is a poem about cutting. I appreciate criticism as long as it is kind and helpful. What bothers me is when people criticize the style I write in, saying I should use more metaphors. I like to write in "plain talk" and not so abstract that the reader doesn't know what I'm talking about. Other then that, all critiques are welcome. Sometimes I rhyme in my poems, sometimes I don't. I don't like being a slave to the rhyme but if words happen to match up, then that is fine with me.

Don't Fall

We’re all so sick, I can’t

believe I’m saying we

something I said

I’d never be

but let’s just say it

and get it out of the way.

Cutter, that was hard to admit.

When I read all your stories

and I see how we’re

all just going into frenzies

so angry, no longer demure.

Arms, stomach, legs, thighs

we all have a favorite part

to carve out our whys.

Can’t break these ties

with our knives, razors,

our special friends, we can’t

bring our destructive relationships

to an end.  To think we’re all

bleeding that same blood and pain

makes me sad that someone

else is feeling this way.

Do you ever want to cut

so bad your hands are shaking?

Just itching your wrist drives

you crazy as you imagine all

those veins popping out

so easy to slice through.

All the blood that would

come, man that sounds so

good, I bet you're dying for a

fix right about now. You might

even get out the knife and hold it a bit,

push it into your skin but not hard enough

to bleed, you just need to take it to the edge

before you decide to it’s okay to snuff

out the desire and step away from the ledge

that tumbles down to the bottomless

pit of guilt, a place you're sick of ending up.

I hope you guys liked it. Please leave me comments with your opinion on it if you can.

All About Me (Unfortunately)

Day 3: Today is going to be the "all about me" post. I could post this on an "about the author" page but I am going to include all the dirty details. If a reader takes the time to read my post, then they are entitled to know about the skeletons in my closest. "About the author" pages are for small fun facts, not a detailed description like what I am about to write on here. I have been debating about what information I want to post. Should I leave out the bad stuff? I've decided to include the not so happy parts of my life because I want to feel free with this blog. This blog and I are going to be together for a long time; 365 days to be exact. We need to like each other. Plus, I don't think I can hide my demons for a year. Pretending is just too much work. 

Here are some basic facts about me:

1. I'm 16, turning 17 in November.

2. I just graduated high school. I graduated a year early and am now going to my local community college. I am going there because my mom doesn't want to send me away to college at such a young age. I also have no idea what I want to do or if I even want to go to a four year college, so why pay fistfuls of money when I'm unsure?

3. I love to write. Poems, short stories, scripts...I love it all. I have even started writing a novel, which of course I got bored of. This brings me to my next point.

4.I jump from hobby to hobby. Swimming, dance, gymnastics, piano, drums, guitar, acting, writing, and sewing are among the list of hobbies I have attempted. It's a simple fact about me: I like to try new things. Once I try them, I often get bored of them. That is one reason why I wanted to do this blog, so I can finally stick to something. I also have a youtube account. I am close to 200 subscribers and mainly do sketches and vlogs (video blogs). I am taking a break from it right now because I cannot think of any video ideas. My state of mind is just too "ahhhh" right now to even think of anything. See number 6 as to why I am in this fragile state of mind.

5. I have a very negative viewpoint of the world and often rant about people/things that annoy me. If you want a blog full of rainbows and sunshine then leave now. Evacuate this blog immediately because you will find no bubbly cheer here. Run.

6.I am a cutter. I have been cutting since I was 11. I just went into therapy in December of 2009. I hadn't cut for six months, when I went into a downward spiral this August. It may have been circumstances or it may have been my medication (Lexapro) that caused it, either way I was admitted into a program for children and adolescents. "Program" being slang for a mental hospital. The loonie bin, insane asylum, funny farm, and nut house are a few of the colorful terms that can be used to describe it. I wasn't sent there because of the cutting but for suicidal ideation and clinical depression (all these fancy terms!). I got the help I needed though and am now on new medication (Lamictal and Abilify). The future looks a little brighter. I have no problem writing about my depression and have quite a lot of poetry on it. I'm sick of not saying how I feel and knowing people can read about what is going on with me, gives me a lot of relief after not telling anyone for so many years.

7.My parents have been separated for a year.

8. My best friend's names our Kiani, Michelle, Ashley, Sean, and Courtney. My relationship status on facebook is set to "single" but it should be on "it's complicated". David is the name of the person at the center of this complication. Danny is a guy I met during the LBI (Loony Bin Incident). We became pretty close in the short time we had together. Now you know the names of the people I will probably reference to a lot.

9. I worked at a day care for two weeks to help out Sean's mom. She runs the daycare and needed some temporary help until she found someone to be her assistant. That experience really changed my life and I'll be writing about it in the future. Come to think of it, I'll be writing about all of these things in the future.

10. I love food. L-O-V-E! Not eating, just food. Some foods are just ingrained in my memory, they were so delicious.

There you go, 10 facts about me. I hope you have a better idea of what my perspective is and where I'm coming from after reading this. I also hope you will not think I am a complete and utter crazy. How many readers did I just lose?

Community College Crisis

Day 2: Today was my first Friday of the school year. I have survived my  first official week of college. I go to a community college and this is my first semester going there full time. I have taken classes while I was in high school there but this is the first semester I am attending as a high school graduate. I've been going to this school for two years now, so nothing new. Yet every semester I get the excited,  first day of school feeling. Without fail, I am disappointed every single semester. No joke.

I don't know what I expect to happen, but every semester I think that somehow the vacation we had was able to magically transform the typical community college student into less of a stereotype. Let's be honest, people who go to a community college are viewed as lazy and/or dumb. I can see people's faces drop when they ask, "Are you in college?" and I reply with, "Yes, I go to name of local community college." I can see the judgment start to well up in their eyes like tears that need to be shed.

People think, "Wow that loser couldn't go to a four year university because they were either A) not smart enough or B) didn't want to move on from the delusion called high school, so they stayed in their hometown and tried to keep everything in their life the same." In my experience, the number of people who do not look down on community colleges are few.Now there are those nice people who argue that people go to community college because they have financial issues, extenuating circumstances, unsure of their goals, etc.  All of those things may be true and I have met people who are very motivated and smart, but the majority I have met have been the A) or B) I mentioned before.

To get back to my story, every semester I think the overall student body will have changed. I walked into my English class today excited for the endless possibilities that awaited my classmates and I. My wondrous hopes and dreams were then crushed by reality. Some students had been accepted into four year universities but didn't go because they decided it wasn't for them...after not even going! How do you know it's not for you if you don't even give it a shot? After all the work and stress it took to get into a college I would at least try it for a semester. Other people just didn't have the grades because all they focused on in high school was having fun. Thongs hanging out and girls who look like their faces have been hit with a glitter bomb are the lovely sights I get to see everyday. I do meet very bright and well-meaning people but the majority is the typical community college stereotype.

I'm sure you're asking yourself why I am at a community college since I am obviously very irritated by the majority of the people who attend.  You'll find out tomorrow when I do my "introduction" post. If people are going to be reading my opinions and poems then they should know a few things about me. *Dramatic music* Why is Arwen going to a community college? All will be revealed, next on...THE 365 BLOG! 

I hope your inner reading voice read that very dramatically.

The First Post

Day 1: Here I am, kicking off "The 365 Blog" on August 26th, 2010. Why I decided today would be a good day to start, I have no idea. I was innocently thinking to myself today, "Where could I post my poems?" Then I remembered my goal of starting a 365 blog. A 365 blog is where you post every day for a year. I admit I stole this idea from youtubers who vlog (video blog) every day for a year. So why not do it? I think I should have some rules though, guidelines for how I will write my blog. That's what people who challenge themselves do. They create rules for their challenge.

Rules:

1. I cannot post a poem every day. I must write an actual post at least three times a week.

Well that was a short-lived attempt. I give up. No rules. I'm not a structured person and I have no idea why I thought I could put some sort of restrictions on my blog. Who am I kidding? This is a complete free for all. As long as I post something every day I'll be happy. "They" say that you should write what you know about. What if you don't know much of anything? I'm 16. The only thing I'm an expert on is texting without looking.

To be honest, I don't want to write on just one specific topic. I like variety. Though I'll be lucky if I can even write a semi-coherent post. My brain goes a million miles a minute, just look at how disorganized this post is. It's like a kid whacked out on sugary cereals and kool-aid. And there I go with my poor sense of humor. I better just end this now before it gets ugly(er). No promises, but hopefully my next post will be less ADHD and just a little more focused.

Until tomorrow,
Arwen