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Youtube

Day 48: Let's talk about internet communities. I know all of you on Tumblr are familiar with the Tumblr community but what about other types of communities found on the internet? The main one I can think of ,that I have experienced, is youtube. From the outside youtube looks simple. To most people it is a place to find music videos and to watch viral videos of animals being cute. To me it is so much more then that. I know this through having had a youtube channel for over a year. I've gotten a lot of support from perfect strangers and it amazes me. There are videos that I have watched that greatly effected my life.There is one video that stands out in my mind, that I believe, may have saved my life.

It's this video from Blade376 called "You are not alone": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n44hl9J7xoM I remember watching this video and I just started crying because I related so much to what he was saying. As silly as it sounds, this video gave me hope and courage to want to get help. I posted a comment on the video explaning my situation and a very kind person messaged me a very long message trying to help. She told me about her own problems and explained how she had dealt with them and she tried to help through mine.

Through this video, a random stranger showed extreme kindness to me and it inspired me to get help. I would suggest everyone watch this video because you or someone you know will be able to gain something from it. I want to start making youtube videos again but this time with a different spin. I was doing comedic videos before but I want to start doing videos about depression, suicide, and cutting. I'm not a professional but I feel like my own personal experiences could help others. Even if I could help just one person, it would be worth it.

I remember sometime last year one youtuber hadn't made a video in a couple of weeks. He made a video explaining where he had been...he had tried to kill himself. I was in disbelief that this guy who I was used to seeing make videos every week had tried to kill himself. It was amazing how the youtube community rallied around him though. Every comment was supportive and encouraging. It's crazy the power the internet has and how communities like these form. I'm such a nerd, I would find it interesting to study how exactly communities on the internet form.

I never thought I would see love on the internet. Not romantic love but pure compassion and love for fellow man. It changed my perspective on youtube and the power it had. It wasn't just a place for music videos anymore or beauty tutorials, it was a place for people to come together for common interests. I think you have to be a part of the youtube community to understand it but it really is an amazing thing when a random person on the internet supports you through a problem. This brings me back to my original point of remodeling my youtube channel. That is my goal for the month, to start making youtube videos again. I'll post the first video I make here once it's up.

Beach Day

Day 47: My day was pretty much perfect. It consisted of the beach, talking, kissing, hugging, holding hands, milkshakes, sand, and smiling. The only thing that would have made it better is if I hadn't had to lie about it. I seriously hate my parents on this one topic. I hate lying over something/someone that makes me so happy. Again I ask the question, is the guilt worth it? Is the risk of losing my parents trust worth someone who makes me so happy? I guess it is because the other option is not going for it and being depressed over not taking a chance.

I suppose the worst that could happen is I get grounded until I'm 18 which is only a year and two months away. It would be torture but I'm sure I could survive some how. I'm so happy right now though. Do you know what I just realized? I didn't think about David once today. :) I'm glad I've moved on, I hope he's as happy as I am. I miss him a lot as a friend. I miss his sense of humor and hearing about all of the dumb stuff he would do. It's like I lost my best friend. My really good friend who I would talk to every day about everything is gone. That makes me sad. Oh well, I've done all I can to rekindle our friendship and he pretty much wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure he thinks I'm some kind of psycho.

Excited

Day 46: I can't think of anything to write, I'm far too excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm seeing HIM! :D I wrote this poem though. It's crap but gets my point across.I might add on to this, it's a work in progress.

We both had severed and broken hearts

you healed mine and sealed up the crack

but I still have the scar that scares me

so I shut down before that feeling starts.

You told me once that love isn't

worth the pain, nothing is ever right

or stays the same, love is too much of an

affliction to try again, we're left alone.

Take this gamble with me, roll the dice

just one more time. This is a chance

I want to take, I can't let you pass by

take this chance with me, please.

Lying

Day 45: I hate lying. Unfortunately, I'm good at it. Also unfortunately, my parents trust me because they have never found out about anything I've done. It's almost like I like lying. The excitement of it, the rush, trying to figure out if you're going to get caught. It's sick and twisted. One of the main things I lie about is when I hangout with guys, whether it's in a friendly or romantic way. My parents don't want me dating so hanging out alone with a guy is out of the question, even if we're just friends. It's stupid and I hate lying over something so stupid.

I lie about how I feel too. Ever since I started the Abilify my dad makes me send him my "numbers" every day. A 1 being the worst like, "I'm going to kill myself" and a 10 being, "Life is amazing!" I lie and say I'm still feeling like a five because I don't want them to know that I'm happy. I know that sounds weird but my thinking is like this. If they know I'm happy on such a low dose of medicine, they're going to want to know why. Danny is what is making me so happy. If they find out about him, it's over. I know that reasoning makes no sense but it's the way I'm thinking about it.

I lie when they ask me if I'm suicidal. I always say no. One time my mom found a goodbye note that I had written and I profusely denied being suicidal. I acted like I was just being creative with my writing and that there was no reason for them to worry. It's  a weird feeling, happiness. I don't think of killing myself every day anymore, I don't cut, I don't feel like a shell of a person anymore. I feel complete inside. The best part is that I'm not even worried anymore about getting depressed again. I know this time, I know it's not going to fade. I'll have my bad days just like everyone but I'm never going back to that place. I can't and I won't.

Breathe

Day 44: I used to make fun of those girls who would say they were in love after a month of dating their boyfriend. I used to say that it was impossible to fall for someone that fast and that people who said that were just infatuated. I still have a hard time believing it even though I have experienced it myself. It's a weird feeling when you aren't in love yet but you have a high suspicion you're going to fall in love with the person. It's almost inevitable. Like, "I don't love you yet but it would be so easy to fall in love with you."

I can feel myself falling and fast. Relationships are a funny thing. It's the best and strangest feeling when you feel 100% comfortable with someone and feel like you've known them your while life but you've only known them for a little bit. It's scary too. It's scary because I still have that pain from the last time I felt this way and I don't want to get hurt again. It's scary because I've felt this way before and then that person completely turned on me. It scares me that people can just change over night.

I don't want to rush this feeling. I love this feeling where anything is possible and you don't know what will happen to next. It's the start of something and maybe everything. It's the feeling before things get too serious and you're so in love with the person it makes you crazy. It's kind of like the calm before the storm, the breathe before for you jump, the silence before a clap of thunder. It's that moment where you pause before something big happens. Are you about to become a big thing in my life? Is this the start of everything? Or nothing?

Tacos

Day 43: My psychiatrist really annoys me sometimes. I just want to bash her peppy little head against the wall. Of course, that's probably why I am seeing a psychiatrist at all. She just won't listen to me and it's frustrating.

Her: Aren't you overreacting?

Me: *explains why I'm not overreacting*

Her: Don't you think you're overreacting?

Me:*tries to be patient and explains again*

Her: *makes no effort to see my viewpoint* So you're overeacting?

GAH NO I'M NOT OVERREACTING, MY REACTION IS PERFECTLY NORMAL!

My therapist is much more understanding but my psychiatrist is just annoying. Unfortunately, I have to put up with  her because she prescribes the lovely drugs that keep me sane. In other news, I had Taco Bell today. I rarely have Taco Bell since there's about five great Mexican restaurants  right by my house but I felt like having some artificial mexican food. I got two crunchy tacos and they were quite delicious. Keep in mind they were nothing like real mexican food but they were yummy all the same.