You

Day 39: It's funny how when I'm most depressed I think about you. I think about how you're out there living your life and how I'm no longer a part of it. I'm no longer a part of it and you like it that way. You used to tell me when you were pissed at your parents, the things you and your friends did, funny stories that made me laugh. I think about how you used to rap and sing over the phone. I think about how we would skype but we both had to be quiet so we would just type and smile at each other. I've been having this dream where I see you again, sometime in the future, and we get back together. I hate that dream.

I can't get Tahiti out of my mind, memories of those perfect nights pop into my head whenever I close my eyes . I keep going over everything in my mind. It's like I think that if I go over it enough times you'll remember how you used to feel about me and call. I know that will never happen. I have this memory of when we were talking on the phone one time and you said, "I'm always worried about you." The way your voice sounded in that moment made me believe you cared. I remember when you told me you had never felt this way before but you didn't mind because it was with the right girl. I remember when you told me I was so different from all of the girls you had hooked up with/dated and how much you cared about me. You said I meant as much to you as your best friend. You were my best friend. Most of all I remember all of the times you promised never to hurt me.

I used to feel stupid for letting myself get hurt and deceived by you but now looking back, I see you were the perfect liar. Or maybe you weren't lying, you really did mean those things at the time. Maybe you were just a foolish boy making promises you couldn't keep and saying things you didn't fully understand. I'll never know since you refuse to talk to me or even explain why. I think about our last real conversation and how you said that you weren't good for my life and so that we shouldn't keep talking. The last time we talked you said you were afraid that if we kept talking more bad things would happen. I keep wondering if that's why you stopped talking to me, if you thought it was better for both of us. That possibility is the one that makes me cry the most.

The other possibilities only involve me being hurt but that possibility involves both of us hurting. I never want you to be hurt. I would hate it if I found out years later that was the reason behind all of this. That would mean we would both still loved each other, but you let me go because you thought it was the right thing to do. I hope every day that is not the case. I would rather believe you are a jerk then to think you are doing this to protect me. I would hate it if you were doing this because you loved me.