Lying

Day 45: I hate lying. Unfortunately, I'm good at it. Also unfortunately, my parents trust me because they have never found out about anything I've done. It's almost like I like lying. The excitement of it, the rush, trying to figure out if you're going to get caught. It's sick and twisted. One of the main things I lie about is when I hangout with guys, whether it's in a friendly or romantic way. My parents don't want me dating so hanging out alone with a guy is out of the question, even if we're just friends. It's stupid and I hate lying over something so stupid.

I lie about how I feel too. Ever since I started the Abilify my dad makes me send him my "numbers" every day. A 1 being the worst like, "I'm going to kill myself" and a 10 being, "Life is amazing!" I lie and say I'm still feeling like a five because I don't want them to know that I'm happy. I know that sounds weird but my thinking is like this. If they know I'm happy on such a low dose of medicine, they're going to want to know why. Danny is what is making me so happy. If they find out about him, it's over. I know that reasoning makes no sense but it's the way I'm thinking about it.

I lie when they ask me if I'm suicidal. I always say no. One time my mom found a goodbye note that I had written and I profusely denied being suicidal. I acted like I was just being creative with my writing and that there was no reason for them to worry. It's  a weird feeling, happiness. I don't think of killing myself every day anymore, I don't cut, I don't feel like a shell of a person anymore. I feel complete inside. The best part is that I'm not even worried anymore about getting depressed again. I know this time, I know it's not going to fade. I'll have my bad days just like everyone but I'm never going back to that place. I can't and I won't.