Day 37: I feel crappy today. I feel like I'm going to hurt him. I never really thought about it but I think I'm afraid of commitment. I never thought I was the type but I think I am. I get really anxious just thinking about being tied down in a relationship. With David it was easy because he lived across the country and we weren't officially together. I had my life and he had his but I still got that feeling of love and that someone cared about me. I wonder how things would have worked out if he had lived here? Would I have screwed up our relationship in another way by not wanting to officialy be together?
I'm a fan of the "together but not together" relationship. You act like a couple but you're not. You can still have your own life, you can still be independent. I hate feeling smothered. I found this article with signs that you're afraid of commitment. The ones in bold are ones I do.
Top 10 signs you’re commitment-phobic:
- You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
- You go from one short-lived relationship to the next. Lately I have been.
- You have a habit of dating "unavailable" men.
- You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.
- You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.
- You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.
- You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.
- You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past. Well not a lot of relationships but for the one relationship I had yes.
- Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships. (school)
- You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.
6/10
Dang, I guess that means I have an issue of commitment. How do you deal with that? I hate myself sometimes. I hate the way I only want something until I have it. Once I have it I don't want it. I hate how my heart cannot make up its mind. I hate feeling confused. I hate the "hot" and "cold" feeling, how I'm always changing my mind. I thought I was a nice person, but now I'm not so sure...
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