Transform

Day 24: I feel like writing. I don't know about what but I want to. When did everything get so complicated? I hung out with an old friend tonight and I couldn't believe the people we had become. We talked about our old friends and what they are up to now. Girls I used to respect have turned into sluts. Guys that used to be nice are sex-crazed jerks. Couples who have been together for a long time have broken up. All of these changes make me sad.

I think I'm just in one of those moods. Everything is depressing. I hate night time. During the day I can keep my fake smile on but at night it starts to peel off. My demons come out of the closet, my thoughts attack my brain. Before I know it, I'm consumed by them. Can't get away, I'm trapped. Can't pull myself out of the fog, can't remember why life is worth living. I try and endure until daytime when I transform from this ugly creature back into the girl I'm supposed to be.

I try to not change, I try to keep the smile glued on but this feeling creeps over me. My chest starts to feel heavy and a stone of sadness presses into me. Pain presses her hands down on the stone, twisting it into my heart. I beg her to stop but she only presses down harder, trying to get me to surrender. "End it. Go ahead, push the knife a little deeper, swallow a few more pills, and string the belt up. Do it or I push harder."  I don't know how much longer I can fight her...

Music, music helps. It tries to push her off and they start to fight. If only music could win. Maybe he will tonight, maybe he will. You know what song helps? "I Owe You One" by Lights. This song helps me remember all of the wonderful people in my life who I can depend on. I keep forgetting that I'm not alone.

What you've given me is more than I can say.
Cause I don't know the words to thank you properly
You pulled me from the grave and stood me on a hill
And when I was afraid you made me still.

Second Go is really good too. Let's face it, I love all of Light's songs. Just thinking about her songs makes me happy. I already feel better.

How come you love me when I am ugly
Guess I can only hope
Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first

I feel better now. Thanks for listening Tumblr. Well not really, no one reads this but just writing it made me feel better ha.