Day 20: I think I've finally moved on from David. I realized it last night when I was looking at some poems I had written him. I no longer felt angry. I felt at peace with what had happened between us. I wish it had ended better but I'm still glad I had the experience. I learned a lot from him and hopefully he learned something from me. He taught me that I was capable of loving someone and that it was okay to let someone in.
The funny thing is that once I started letting people in, the people I expected to leave me stayed but the person who taught me how to do that left. I've realized how many people love me in my life since I've met David. It's almost like he stayed just long enough to show me all of the wonderful people I have around me. He stayed just long enough to change my life. He taught me how to let down all of my barriers, how to throw everything you have towards loving someone, how to dream, and how to take risks.
To say one final goodbye I am going to post sections of my poems that represent the good and the bad times. I really need to just let it all out so that I can completely let go of him. I want him to be happy and if it makes him happy not talking to me, then that's what I'll do. The sad thing is that if he told me right now that he loved me and wanted to work it out I would probably take him back despite all of the heartache he caused me. I know he won't though. I was so happy with him. I hadn't been that happy in a really long time and I'm scared that I may not find it again. I can't let that stop me from moving on though.
I learned to love:
I had a heart that couldn’t love anyone,
anything, couldn’t miss, couldn’t feel,
a soul that wouldn’t bend, could only break
until I found you, a someone to trust,
someone to take a trusting chance on.
If you’re hurting and there’s too much
for your young age to handle then I’ll go,
go ahead and leave because I value you
more then I value myself. I can take
the burn and the hurt but I’m not
so sure about you, you’re a little fragile
and I would rather break then see it
happen to you, what’s one more time
to be busted and broken up? I know I
can handle the pain, depression is my game,
one that I always win, so I’ll take the blame
at least one of is left with a sane brain.
He wasn't there for me when I needed him the most:
I waited every day for you to call
show me that I wasn't alone
that you would help when I fall
but I really was all on my own.
I cry sometimes because I was scared
and no one, not even you, was there
to keep me reassured in that crazy place.
If the place is crazy then I am crazy too
I'm too far down in the blue and sometimes
I hate that you aren't down here too,
that I have to deal with bad times
and you aren't even there to see
me through this long nightmare.
I had a feeling we were over when I felt something for someone else:
I thought I would miss him
but you are the one my mind
cannot outrun or out swim
somehow we became aligned
and now I can't imagine
waking up without you here.
We only had a faction
of time to be close and near
but I had a reaction
somewhere inside of me that
maybe changed my crazy mind
into thinking the type of love exists
that made you wish you were unkissed.
I feel like a betrayer now
I confused my heart and self
never thought I was the type
to have a love I could shelf
your sudden, sneaky sideswipe
caught my whole heart by surprise
now I'm questioning my words
that I wrote, were they all lies?
I really did love him:
It wasn’t love at first sight (for me)
it wasn’t love at first kiss (for me)
it was love at first goodbye
when I realized that I didn’t
want you to leave that I needed
you in my life.
I want you there when things are
great and when they are a crazy.
When you’re down I’m even lower and
when you’re up I’m flying too.
I know I never have to hide anything
from you, because you don’t
expect perfection from me, no,
you know that I’m out of control.
We had some good times:
I love how my hand fits in yours
and how I’m so much shorter than you.
I love kissing when we’re walking with
our arms wrapped around each other.
I miss looking at us in the mirror,
our faces flushed from kissing,
our smiles so much purer
than before.
The way I fit perfectly next to you
when we’re laying down,
my head on your chest
your heartbeat makes
me smile.
I never had to worry when I was with you
about being nervous making conversation
you do enough talking for the both of us
you always do good in social situations.
The way you get my sarcasm and how
I can get a good joke on you and you
can get one on me but we’re both
good enough sports to not get hurt feelings.
It was nice while it lasted. Thanks for everything. Goodbye.