Teenage Nightmare

Day 25: Today I was having a discussion with someone about doing normal teenage things. Normal things like football games and prom don't interest me at all. I'm not sure why. I guess I've always viewed those things as trivial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I never placed much importance on having the ultimate high school experience. Maybe that's part of my problem: I don't live in the moment. I'm so eager to get out of this period of depression, I'm skipping everything else. I feel like I just want to skip the next four years.

If I keep thinking like that though, before I know it I'll have skipped my whole life. It's hard to live in the moment when so many of those moments are pain. When the moments are great, I keep wondering when they will end because I don't want them to. I've been trying to work on this and I think I'm getting better.

 Playing the piano and guitar has helped me to do that. When I'm playing a song, it's all I'm thinking about. My mind skips ahead to the next notes trying to prepare my fingers but my hands stay right where they are supposed to be. They don't try and skip ahead.

What else to say...I'm tired today. Too many nightmares to sleep. I wrote a poem on it:

I can't remember what I ever wanted

love, money, happy is a tough fight

all I can remember is the haunted

dreams that wake me at night.

You shove me down screaming

that you never did love me.

I try and run but I can't escape

the hands that held mine so long ago.

I'm blind, can't see anything out

of my wide and open blue eyes.

I'm falling all over the place

can't keep my balance in this

castle of stone and grace.

One body, two body, and a

third body plops to the floor.

There's no blood but I can tell

that they are all dead. I'm alone

all alone, they are gone.