Lost

Day 32: In case you (I don't think anyone is reading this actually) haven't guessed it from my last two posts, I've started cutting again. I can't talk to the person I usually do about it because I don't want to stress her out or cause her any more problems so  I tried to talk to another friend about it. Basically he just made me feel crappier. He said how I was disrespecting my body, how cutting didn't make anything better, and that cutting was for the weak and for those who couldn't show true emotion.

DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?!? Cutters know all of these things, better then anyone. I wanted some reassurance that things would be okay, that I would be able to stop. Sometimes I wish I was back in the hospital where everyone understood exactly what I was saying. People out here have no freaking clue. I know it doesn't fix anything! I have personal experience with it obviously I know that! Now I know for 100 percent that I can't talk about cutting with those who haven't done it. They have good intentions and they want to help but they just can't.

I don't know how to stop. I stopped for six months and then for two and now I'm back at it again. It seems the two months that I quit has diminished my pain tolerance because I can't cut very deep now. I guess that's a good thing. I know I'll be back to where I was soon though, trying to cut deeper, and that scares me. I hate feeling trapped again now that I know how it feels to be free of cutting. On the other hand I don't see a point to stop.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I think I'm doing great and trying my best but then everyone else thinks I'm a screw up/psycho. I hate all of these stereotypes about self-injury, depression, suicide, etc. I just had another friend tell me last night that her dad didn't want me hanging out with her because I upset her. Wow, really? I don't desert my friends because their problems "upset" me. Everyone is always telling me "Oh you need to open up and stop being so closed down" but then when I do they leave me. Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it.

I think I'm going to go back to how I used to be, not telling anyone anything. It was a protection and it was a lot easier. It's tough not talking about things but it's easier that way. People will think I'm better, my friends will come back. I can't let anyone know what my mind is really like. Look at how that turned out when I did tell people what I was really like. Sigh sigh sigh sigh. I really don't know what to do...about any of it. How can things be such a mess?

This is not what I planned for myself. This is not what I dreamed of doing at 16 as a little girl. I dreamed of driving, boyfriends, jobs, and fun with my friends. If you had described how I am now to my eight year old self I would have thought you were talking about a crazy person. I never would have guessed that I would be that crazy person.