Escape

Day 18: What is so appealing to about alcohol and drugs? You can escape. It amazes me that you can drink, smoke, snort, inject, or take a pill and immediately feel happy. No more thinking and in my case, no more feeling numb. I can finally feel something instead of the nothingness that has a grip on me. I feel alive, not like an empty shell.

It's sad that alcohol has this much control over me. No, I'm not drinking every day but I think about it a lot. I crave it, dream about the loss of inhibition. I finally can say and feel everything I want to, I don't have to hold anything in. I love everything about drinking and sometimes I even miss the hangovers. Being hungover is a bonus because it extends the torture on yourself. With cutting there's no aftermath of the infliction (unless you count infection). With drinking you suffer the consequences and you get be reminded the next day how worthless you are. It's sick that I think like this.

My favorite type of intoxication is when you're just laying there, staring at something. It could be your hand or the wall. Whatever it is, you're just sitting there staring at it for what feels like hours. Your mind is completely clear. All the clutter has been swept aside and all that is left is the pure, simple moment of you staring at your hand. There's something beautiful about not thinking.

I'm afraid. Alcoholism and drug abuse runs heavily in my family. I'm predisposed to it. Luckily, I've been able to stay away from drugs...illegal ones anyway. Can't say I'm clean of prescription ones but illegal ones I've avoided like the plague. I know if I tried even one thing I would fall in too deep to get out. I've never been the type of person to stop at one thing, drugs wouldn't be any different.

Unfortunately, I haven't stayed away from alcohol. Big mistake. I have no self-control, I can't stop at one or two drinks. And now that I just keep experimenting with more and more over the counter/prescription drugs, I can feel my addictive personality kicking in. I can already see myself going down the same path I went down with cutting...I can't go back there.

I can't stay here though, self-destructing because I just don't give a crap about what happens to me. I need to pull it together. I need to get a grip. I need to stop being pathetic. After tonight's experiment, I promise no more. I don't want to break this promise, I want to keep it. I will keep it. I promise.