Rock Bottom

Day 31: Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom the floor crumbles beneath me and I hit the ground again. How much farther until I’m really and truly at the bottom and I can start climbing back up? Each time I try and get back up I fall. Falling hurts and it makes me not want to get back up. I thought the getting drunk and cutting was rock bottom. I didn’t think there was any way things could get worse. I thought the hospital was rock bottom. I didn’t think things could get worse. Then David refused to talk to me, I lost him. I didn’t think things could get worse.

I had an allergic reaction to my medicine and had to go off of both of my medications. I had to go on prednisone which caused major mood swings. I didn’t think things could  get worse. My best friend isn’t allowed to hangout with me anymore because her parents think I stress her out too much and am giving her panic attacks. It’s my fault… I didn’t think things could get worse. Then I see the red lines on my thighs, the ones I promised to never have there again. Yet somehow they showed up… I didn’t think things could get worse.

I wrote goodbye notes and planned to kill myself Friday but the next morning I felt better. I didn’t think things could get worse. I told my friend I started cutting again (I thought at least one person should know) and she told her dad who told my dad. My parents are watching me like hawks now and they think I’m suicidal. I don’t think things can get any worse…I hope they won’t. I always say that this is the last floor I will hit, the last break down I will have. I always mean it, I try, I really do. I just can never pull through, how can I when no one can handle me? I’m too much of a burden for everyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be with my friends because I’m afraid of being left again. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m really just tired in general. Tired of living, tired of trying, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. I wish I was 18. I want to leave and get away from here and everyone I know. I want to go to a big city where I can blend in. No one will care about me. I’ll have acquaintances and co-workers but no friends. I want to forget everything here.