Certain people are reading my blog that I do not want reading it and I feel the integrity of my blog has been compromised. If you would like the site of my new blog then please message me or leave a comment and I will send you the link.

Youtube

Day 48: Let's talk about internet communities. I know all of you on Tumblr are familiar with the Tumblr community but what about other types of communities found on the internet? The main one I can think of ,that I have experienced, is youtube. From the outside youtube looks simple. To most people it is a place to find music videos and to watch viral videos of animals being cute. To me it is so much more then that. I know this through having had a youtube channel for over a year. I've gotten a lot of support from perfect strangers and it amazes me. There are videos that I have watched that greatly effected my life.There is one video that stands out in my mind, that I believe, may have saved my life.

It's this video from Blade376 called "You are not alone": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n44hl9J7xoM I remember watching this video and I just started crying because I related so much to what he was saying. As silly as it sounds, this video gave me hope and courage to want to get help. I posted a comment on the video explaning my situation and a very kind person messaged me a very long message trying to help. She told me about her own problems and explained how she had dealt with them and she tried to help through mine.

Through this video, a random stranger showed extreme kindness to me and it inspired me to get help. I would suggest everyone watch this video because you or someone you know will be able to gain something from it. I want to start making youtube videos again but this time with a different spin. I was doing comedic videos before but I want to start doing videos about depression, suicide, and cutting. I'm not a professional but I feel like my own personal experiences could help others. Even if I could help just one person, it would be worth it.

I remember sometime last year one youtuber hadn't made a video in a couple of weeks. He made a video explaining where he had been...he had tried to kill himself. I was in disbelief that this guy who I was used to seeing make videos every week had tried to kill himself. It was amazing how the youtube community rallied around him though. Every comment was supportive and encouraging. It's crazy the power the internet has and how communities like these form. I'm such a nerd, I would find it interesting to study how exactly communities on the internet form.

I never thought I would see love on the internet. Not romantic love but pure compassion and love for fellow man. It changed my perspective on youtube and the power it had. It wasn't just a place for music videos anymore or beauty tutorials, it was a place for people to come together for common interests. I think you have to be a part of the youtube community to understand it but it really is an amazing thing when a random person on the internet supports you through a problem. This brings me back to my original point of remodeling my youtube channel. That is my goal for the month, to start making youtube videos again. I'll post the first video I make here once it's up.

Beach Day

Day 47: My day was pretty much perfect. It consisted of the beach, talking, kissing, hugging, holding hands, milkshakes, sand, and smiling. The only thing that would have made it better is if I hadn't had to lie about it. I seriously hate my parents on this one topic. I hate lying over something/someone that makes me so happy. Again I ask the question, is the guilt worth it? Is the risk of losing my parents trust worth someone who makes me so happy? I guess it is because the other option is not going for it and being depressed over not taking a chance.

I suppose the worst that could happen is I get grounded until I'm 18 which is only a year and two months away. It would be torture but I'm sure I could survive some how. I'm so happy right now though. Do you know what I just realized? I didn't think about David once today. :) I'm glad I've moved on, I hope he's as happy as I am. I miss him a lot as a friend. I miss his sense of humor and hearing about all of the dumb stuff he would do. It's like I lost my best friend. My really good friend who I would talk to every day about everything is gone. That makes me sad. Oh well, I've done all I can to rekindle our friendship and he pretty much wants nothing to do with me. I'm sure he thinks I'm some kind of psycho.

Excited

Day 46: I can't think of anything to write, I'm far too excited for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm seeing HIM! :D I wrote this poem though. It's crap but gets my point across.I might add on to this, it's a work in progress.

We both had severed and broken hearts

you healed mine and sealed up the crack

but I still have the scar that scares me

so I shut down before that feeling starts.

You told me once that love isn't

worth the pain, nothing is ever right

or stays the same, love is too much of an

affliction to try again, we're left alone.

Take this gamble with me, roll the dice

just one more time. This is a chance

I want to take, I can't let you pass by

take this chance with me, please.

Lying

Day 45: I hate lying. Unfortunately, I'm good at it. Also unfortunately, my parents trust me because they have never found out about anything I've done. It's almost like I like lying. The excitement of it, the rush, trying to figure out if you're going to get caught. It's sick and twisted. One of the main things I lie about is when I hangout with guys, whether it's in a friendly or romantic way. My parents don't want me dating so hanging out alone with a guy is out of the question, even if we're just friends. It's stupid and I hate lying over something so stupid.

I lie about how I feel too. Ever since I started the Abilify my dad makes me send him my "numbers" every day. A 1 being the worst like, "I'm going to kill myself" and a 10 being, "Life is amazing!" I lie and say I'm still feeling like a five because I don't want them to know that I'm happy. I know that sounds weird but my thinking is like this. If they know I'm happy on such a low dose of medicine, they're going to want to know why. Danny is what is making me so happy. If they find out about him, it's over. I know that reasoning makes no sense but it's the way I'm thinking about it.

I lie when they ask me if I'm suicidal. I always say no. One time my mom found a goodbye note that I had written and I profusely denied being suicidal. I acted like I was just being creative with my writing and that there was no reason for them to worry. It's  a weird feeling, happiness. I don't think of killing myself every day anymore, I don't cut, I don't feel like a shell of a person anymore. I feel complete inside. The best part is that I'm not even worried anymore about getting depressed again. I know this time, I know it's not going to fade. I'll have my bad days just like everyone but I'm never going back to that place. I can't and I won't.

Breathe

Day 44: I used to make fun of those girls who would say they were in love after a month of dating their boyfriend. I used to say that it was impossible to fall for someone that fast and that people who said that were just infatuated. I still have a hard time believing it even though I have experienced it myself. It's a weird feeling when you aren't in love yet but you have a high suspicion you're going to fall in love with the person. It's almost inevitable. Like, "I don't love you yet but it would be so easy to fall in love with you."

I can feel myself falling and fast. Relationships are a funny thing. It's the best and strangest feeling when you feel 100% comfortable with someone and feel like you've known them your while life but you've only known them for a little bit. It's scary too. It's scary because I still have that pain from the last time I felt this way and I don't want to get hurt again. It's scary because I've felt this way before and then that person completely turned on me. It scares me that people can just change over night.

I don't want to rush this feeling. I love this feeling where anything is possible and you don't know what will happen to next. It's the start of something and maybe everything. It's the feeling before things get too serious and you're so in love with the person it makes you crazy. It's kind of like the calm before the storm, the breathe before for you jump, the silence before a clap of thunder. It's that moment where you pause before something big happens. Are you about to become a big thing in my life? Is this the start of everything? Or nothing?

Tacos

Day 43: My psychiatrist really annoys me sometimes. I just want to bash her peppy little head against the wall. Of course, that's probably why I am seeing a psychiatrist at all. She just won't listen to me and it's frustrating.

Her: Aren't you overreacting?

Me: *explains why I'm not overreacting*

Her: Don't you think you're overreacting?

Me:*tries to be patient and explains again*

Her: *makes no effort to see my viewpoint* So you're overeacting?

GAH NO I'M NOT OVERREACTING, MY REACTION IS PERFECTLY NORMAL!

My therapist is much more understanding but my psychiatrist is just annoying. Unfortunately, I have to put up with  her because she prescribes the lovely drugs that keep me sane. In other news, I had Taco Bell today. I rarely have Taco Bell since there's about five great Mexican restaurants  right by my house but I felt like having some artificial mexican food. I got two crunchy tacos and they were quite delicious. Keep in mind they were nothing like real mexican food but they were yummy all the same.

Fallin' for you

Day 42: Sigh sigh sigh. I am in major crush mode. I love this feeling. The feeling of something new and exciting, where anything is possible. That part of  a relationship where you're completely infatuated by the other person and the tough stuff hasn't come yet.I know I'll love the next feeling even more, the feeling of love. I'm falling hard, I'm falling fast. My heartbreak is gone and I've completely moved on. I feel like flying. I feel amazing. Ah I didn't think I would feel this way for a while but I do. Love songs are playing full blast, flirty texts are being sent, and plans are being made. We made a list of everything we want to do together. It's not done but we have twenty I think. Go on a picnic, go to the beach, kiss in the rain, and things like that.

I have all this energy. I feel like going for a run. Just running and running until my feet leave the ground and I fly way up into the sky. That sounds nice. I could float up there above the clouds and rain. Fly over a city, fly over the country, fly over the ocean. Perfect silence up there. These are the kinds of daydreams I have. In my daydreams I often have super powers. I once had this day dream I was with the cast of Heroes and we saved the world together. I'm not sure how I got that zoned out...

Do you know what I hate? People who are either proud of being a bitch or people who act like you better watch out for them. "You better watch out if you aren't nice/polite to me because I'm a bitch." Um, okay? Is that supposed to scare me? It honestly makes no sense to me and annoys me when people makes stupid threats like that. Your threatening to be mean/impolite? Okay...*cough*crazy *cough*. Just a random thought I had.

Stalkers

Day 41: My dad told me today that I can't talk to Danny anymore. Well that's a bit of a problem considering we are going on a date and if that goes well, he's going to be my boyfriend. I hate lying, I really do but I can't let someone that makes me happy pass me by. Am I wrong to do this? Maybe I am, but maybe I'm not. I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like my future is hopeless. I want to live and be happy. I don't think there's any limit on what I would do to be happy. I'm not talking about drugs or anything destructive, I'm just not going to let my parents stand in the way of my happiness.

Does that makes sense? Or do I just sound like a basket case right now? I'm writing a poem right now that I might post tomorrow. It's hard for me to organize my thoughts though so I don't know how long it will take to finish it. I have a topic for today: facebook stalkers. Don't even deny it, you know you're a lurker. We all are, it's almost impossible not to be one. You click on someone's page for a perfectly innocent reason like to write on their wall or to look at a new picture they posted. Somehow you get sidetracked when you see something that interests you and before you know it you've been looking through their whole page like an incredible creep. Okay, I admit, I've done this once when trying to find out who hooked up with who at my school.

I'm not proud of it, but facebook stalking sucks you in. You don't even know you're doing it until you catch yourself doing it. Honestly, I'm not that much of a stalker but I know some people who are. They go all out trying to find out about their ex-friends, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends, enemies, etc. That's a little too far for me. If it pops up on my newsfeed and I see it, then fine. If you're actively looking all the time for new information about whoever you're stalking...too far ha.

Jobs

Day 40: I know I'm a day late with this post but I'm sick and I didn't get a chance to do it yesterday. I'll still post it under the correct date though. I went over my texting. I was under the impression that I had unlimited so I had been texting Danny a lot. My dad called me this morning telling me if I ever so much as spoke to Danny again I would be grounded. Are you kidding me...? I am so pissed when I already offered to pay for the bill and now he's telling me I can never talk to one of my friends again.

I think I'm just going to get a pre-paid phone. Then I can call and text who I want without my parents getting on my back about it. I would have to keep the phone a secret but I think I could do it. I don't even care if I get caught, screw them. I hate not being eighteen. I've been looking for a job but I need to get more aggressive about it if I want to have enough money to move out. I have applied to Starbucks, CVS, Panera, Macy's, and Target. I think I'll go today and get an application from Subway.

You

Day 39: It's funny how when I'm most depressed I think about you. I think about how you're out there living your life and how I'm no longer a part of it. I'm no longer a part of it and you like it that way. You used to tell me when you were pissed at your parents, the things you and your friends did, funny stories that made me laugh. I think about how you used to rap and sing over the phone. I think about how we would skype but we both had to be quiet so we would just type and smile at each other. I've been having this dream where I see you again, sometime in the future, and we get back together. I hate that dream.

I can't get Tahiti out of my mind, memories of those perfect nights pop into my head whenever I close my eyes . I keep going over everything in my mind. It's like I think that if I go over it enough times you'll remember how you used to feel about me and call. I know that will never happen. I have this memory of when we were talking on the phone one time and you said, "I'm always worried about you." The way your voice sounded in that moment made me believe you cared. I remember when you told me you had never felt this way before but you didn't mind because it was with the right girl. I remember when you told me I was so different from all of the girls you had hooked up with/dated and how much you cared about me. You said I meant as much to you as your best friend. You were my best friend. Most of all I remember all of the times you promised never to hurt me.

I used to feel stupid for letting myself get hurt and deceived by you but now looking back, I see you were the perfect liar. Or maybe you weren't lying, you really did mean those things at the time. Maybe you were just a foolish boy making promises you couldn't keep and saying things you didn't fully understand. I'll never know since you refuse to talk to me or even explain why. I think about our last real conversation and how you said that you weren't good for my life and so that we shouldn't keep talking. The last time we talked you said you were afraid that if we kept talking more bad things would happen. I keep wondering if that's why you stopped talking to me, if you thought it was better for both of us. That possibility is the one that makes me cry the most.

The other possibilities only involve me being hurt but that possibility involves both of us hurting. I never want you to be hurt. I would hate it if I found out years later that was the reason behind all of this. That would mean we would both still loved each other, but you let me go because you thought it was the right thing to do. I hope every day that is not the case. I would rather believe you are a jerk then to think you are doing this to protect me. I would hate it if you were doing this because you loved me.

Singing

Day 38: Danny is singing on the phone for me. He sang "Must Have Done Something Right" and "I Miss You".  I didn't want to sing on the phone but I sang  Light's cover of "Fall Back Down". It wasn't as embarrassing as I thought it was going to be. I have decided that on Monday I'm going to start a 30 day tumblr challenge. Here's the list:

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 10 interesting facts about yourself

Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr name

Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends

Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr and why you made one

Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Day 14- A picture of you and your family

Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

Day 16- Another picture of yourself

Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else

Day 23- Something you crave for a lot

Day 24- A letter to your parents

Day 25- What I would find in your bag Day 26- What you think about your friends

Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned

Day 30- Who are you?

Commitment Phobe

Day 37: I feel crappy today. I feel like I'm going to hurt him. I never really thought about it but I think I'm afraid of commitment. I never thought I was the type but I think I am. I get really anxious just thinking about being tied down in a relationship. With David it was easy because he lived across the country and we weren't officially together. I had my life and he had his but I still got that feeling of love and that someone cared about me. I wonder how things would have worked out if he had lived here? Would I have screwed up our relationship in another way by not wanting to officialy be together?

I'm a fan of the "together but not together" relationship. You act like a couple but you're not. You can still have your own life, you can still be independent. I hate feeling smothered. I found this article with signs that you're afraid of commitment. The ones in bold are ones I do.

Top 10 signs you’re commitment-phobic:

1. You have a long and elaborate list of requirements for your ideal mate.
2. You go from one short-lived relationship to the next. Lately I have been.
3. You have a habit of dating "unavailable" men.
   
4. You consider your married friends’ lives boring and think they settled for less.
5. You stay in relationships that are rocky and offer little hope of commitment.
6. You back out of plans at the last minute and have trouble setting a time for dates.
7. You cultivate large networks of friends at the expense of a single romantic relationship.
8. You have a lot of relationship trauma in your past. Well not a lot  of relationships but for the one relationship I had yes.
9. Your career is very important to you and you often choose work over relationships. (school)
10. You are constantly blowing “hot” and “cold” in your relationships.

6/10

Dang, I guess that means I have an issue of commitment. How do you deal with that? I hate myself sometimes. I hate the way I only want something until I have it. Once I have it I don't want it. I hate how my heart cannot make up its mind. I hate feeling confused. I hate the "hot" and "cold" feeling, how I'm always changing my mind. I thought I was a nice person, but now I'm not so sure...

Happy Day

Day 36: I am happy. I hate that my parents think it's because of my medication. It may partially be that but I think it's mainly because of all of the wonderful people in my life! I am having a great day. Hopefully, this is the first of many. :)

Ways I know I'm happy:

I'm listening to Taylor Swift's love songs. (In fact I'm listening to love songs in general)

I'm encouraging other people/trying to help others. I'm not being selfish, yay!

I can eat.

I can sleep without having nightmares.

I feel crazy bubbly when I talk to you, which is all the time. :)

I can't stop using smileys!

Sigh. I feel like flying...

Crush

Day 35: I wrote a post yesterday but I didn’t post it because Tumblr was screwed up from maintenance. Then when I came back it had been deleted. Boo. Let’s see how did it start…Arwen in crush mode is never a good thing. I’m not talking about a one sided crush, I’m talking about where the person likes me back. I turn into one of those “everything is great in the world” types. I hate those people. I have become what I hate. I don’t have much to say today except I think I’m getting sick. I have a sore throat. Blah. Good news is that I have a date. We’re going to the zoo. :)

I am currently:

Doing American History homework

Listening to Lights <3

Writing this blog

Talking to Ashley on AIM

Play 21 questions with… :) I think I’m going to keep who it is a secret for now. Not that anyone reading this cares but I like to keep things a secret.

Talking with Gordon on facebook about procrastination.

11:11

Day 34: I hate how I feel like I’ve moved on from “him who shall not be named” but then something reminds me of him. Then I end up thinking about him. I don’t want to think about him! I don’t want to think about good memories! He’s not worth it and doesn’t even deserve to be thought about. I know he’s not thinking about me so there’s no way I’m thinking about him. Crap I’m writing about him. Um…let’s change the subject.

Do you have a friend who makes you smile like crazy? I always smile when I’m texting my friend Danny, I just get this goofy grin on my face. It’s odd that I smile that much but I like being happy. Last night we stayed up to wish on 11:11. I love wishing on things. I think it gives me hope even if it is false. I really don’t have much to say except that I’m tired. Seriously tired. I may go to bed early which I never ever do. I also suck at piano. I really need to practice. I made a complete fool out of myself in class. As a side note there is a guy who doesn’t wear shoes in my film class. I don’t know why, he just doesn’t.

Little Things

Day 33: I feel quite happy today. I am eating a delicious frozen yogurt while listening to Eisley. It's very hot outside, 109 according to my car. The upside of this is being able to relax inside my cool air-conditioned house. I love taking a nap when it's hot, I don't know why. I just find it incredibly pleasant. I'm going to make a list of things I love that are simple like that.

Naps on rainy cold days

Hot chocolate and a fire when it rains

Eating watermelon in a bathing suit during the summer, letting the juice dribble everywhere.

Midnight snacks

Balboa Park at night

Warm, melted brie cheese with brioche and apricot jam

Long hugs where it feels like you've melted into the other person

Hitting every green light

When you find the perfect word for the sentence you're writing

Dancing to party music while you're getting ready to go out. That feeling of excitement for the night.

Black eyeliner

Perfect moments

The chemistry between you and the person you like

Roller coasters

Riding a bike down a big hill

Complete silence

Smiles that make you melt.

I love that you send me good morning texts every day, no matter what. Even though I won our contest. :)

 

People who use your and you're correctly

Butterflies

A warm summer breeze at night

Lost

Day 32: In case you (I don't think anyone is reading this actually) haven't guessed it from my last two posts, I've started cutting again. I can't talk to the person I usually do about it because I don't want to stress her out or cause her any more problems so  I tried to talk to another friend about it. Basically he just made me feel crappier. He said how I was disrespecting my body, how cutting didn't make anything better, and that cutting was for the weak and for those who couldn't show true emotion.

DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?!? Cutters know all of these things, better then anyone. I wanted some reassurance that things would be okay, that I would be able to stop. Sometimes I wish I was back in the hospital where everyone understood exactly what I was saying. People out here have no freaking clue. I know it doesn't fix anything! I have personal experience with it obviously I know that! Now I know for 100 percent that I can't talk about cutting with those who haven't done it. They have good intentions and they want to help but they just can't.

I don't know how to stop. I stopped for six months and then for two and now I'm back at it again. It seems the two months that I quit has diminished my pain tolerance because I can't cut very deep now. I guess that's a good thing. I know I'll be back to where I was soon though, trying to cut deeper, and that scares me. I hate feeling trapped again now that I know how it feels to be free of cutting. On the other hand I don't see a point to stop.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. I think I'm doing great and trying my best but then everyone else thinks I'm a screw up/psycho. I hate all of these stereotypes about self-injury, depression, suicide, etc. I just had another friend tell me last night that her dad didn't want me hanging out with her because I upset her. Wow, really? I don't desert my friends because their problems "upset" me. Everyone is always telling me "Oh you need to open up and stop being so closed down" but then when I do they leave me. Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it.

I think I'm going to go back to how I used to be, not telling anyone anything. It was a protection and it was a lot easier. It's tough not talking about things but it's easier that way. People will think I'm better, my friends will come back. I can't let anyone know what my mind is really like. Look at how that turned out when I did tell people what I was really like. Sigh sigh sigh sigh. I really don't know what to do...about any of it. How can things be such a mess?

This is not what I planned for myself. This is not what I dreamed of doing at 16 as a little girl. I dreamed of driving, boyfriends, jobs, and fun with my friends. If you had described how I am now to my eight year old self I would have thought you were talking about a crazy person. I never would have guessed that I would be that crazy person.

Rock Bottom

Day 31: Just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom the floor crumbles beneath me and I hit the ground again. How much farther until I’m really and truly at the bottom and I can start climbing back up? Each time I try and get back up I fall. Falling hurts and it makes me not want to get back up. I thought the getting drunk and cutting was rock bottom. I didn’t think there was any way things could get worse. I thought the hospital was rock bottom. I didn’t think things could get worse. Then David refused to talk to me, I lost him. I didn’t think things could get worse.

I had an allergic reaction to my medicine and had to go off of both of my medications. I had to go on prednisone which caused major mood swings. I didn’t think things could  get worse. My best friend isn’t allowed to hangout with me anymore because her parents think I stress her out too much and am giving her panic attacks. It’s my fault… I didn’t think things could get worse. Then I see the red lines on my thighs, the ones I promised to never have there again. Yet somehow they showed up… I didn’t think things could get worse.

I wrote goodbye notes and planned to kill myself Friday but the next morning I felt better. I didn’t think things could get worse. I told my friend I started cutting again (I thought at least one person should know) and she told her dad who told my dad. My parents are watching me like hawks now and they think I’m suicidal. I don’t think things can get any worse…I hope they won’t. I always say that this is the last floor I will hit, the last break down I will have. I always mean it, I try, I really do. I just can never pull through, how can I when no one can handle me? I’m too much of a burden for everyone.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be with my friends because I’m afraid of being left again. I don’t want to get close to anyone. I’m tired of being a burden. I’m really just tired in general. Tired of living, tired of trying, tired of being in pain, tired of crying. I wish I was 18. I want to leave and get away from here and everyone I know. I want to go to a big city where I can blend in. No one will care about me. I’ll have acquaintances and co-workers but no friends. I want to forget everything here.

Razor Friend

Day 30: Possibly the worst friday night ever. Ok, I'm sure I've had worse but this comes pretty close. I don't feel like going into details but because one of my "friends" told her dad about how I was feeling I'm under a freaking sucide watch. Seriously? My dad is staying here and watching me. He wanted to take me to the hospital again, luckily that didn't happen. It's such bull, I hate it. Here's a poem I wrote:

My relationships have lost their essence

pushed some too far,  became too near

to others, can't find the right distance

to keep everyone safe this year

things have become too severe

for me to keep everyone sane.

Say too much, say too little

I say or do the wrong things

I act too insane or crazy

I think I'll start to lie.

"Why yes I'm in my right mind."

Sitting in my room cutting alone

I'm finally in the zone, in control

blobs of blood bubble up, my own.

 It trickles down, slick drops roll.

My lungs inflate, filled with the air

that only comes from sweet pain.

Like a life-saving press to the chest

I'm saved, alive for a short time.

I admire the slim little razor in my hand

thinking how good of a friend it is

"It's never a balancing act with you

you're always there in a crisis."

Cries For Help

Day 29: I love six billion secrets but there's a pattern I'm starting to see that's annoying me. People going on and on about no one noticing that they are depressed, cutting, anorexic, bulimic, and whatever other problems they are having. Now I am completely sympathetic to their problems, I know exactly what they're going through (well the cutters and depressed ones at least). Here's the thing though:cries for help rarely work. You need to take care of yourself, no one will do it for you.

Let me tell you a story. About six months before I asked my parents to go to therapy I told my two best friends that I cut. I felt so relieved. "Finally, someone will help me. Finally, I'm going to be saved." They never asked me about it again. I kept thinking, "Next week. They'll ask me how I'm doing next week." Eventually, I lost hope that they would ever help me and I lost faith in people. I knew at that point that I could only ever rely on myself. And I did, I took care of myself. I was the one who asked for therapy, I was the one who wanted to take medication, and I was the one who said it was ok for me to go to a psychiatric ward (my mom was angry that I was there). I was the one who stopped cutting

.

For those of you hoping and praying every day that someone will notice and finally rescue you: stop. I don't mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic but just stop. You need to step up to the plate and take care of your issues. Sure, someone may eventually come along and help you but do you really want to wait that long? Who knows how messed up you will be by then. Forget your friends and forget your family. Take control of your life and stop waiting for someone else to do it for you. I'm not saying that you have to do it all on your own without professional help or anything. Don't take what I'm saying as, "You have to do it all on your own."

No. What I'm saying is that you have to get the ball rolling. You need to speak up about your problems. If the first person doesn't listen, then tell someone else. Speak to a school counselor or if you're an adult go see a therapist. You need to seek out the help that you need. People are not mind readers and you cannot expect them to notice you are having issues if you do a good job of hiding it. Another thing on six billion secrets is people saying that they told someone about their problem(s) and the person ignored it.

I say screw them. You know when you need help and I don't care if that person is your best friend, parent, or a teacher. Screw them and get the help you need. Don't ever let someone tell you, "Oh you don't need therapy." or "Oh you can take care of it without a professional's help." You know when you need professional help, you just know. I hope that anyone who reads this and is dealing with issues takes my advice. Please, gather your courage and strength. You can do it.

Once you speak up the first time, it gets easier. I promise. Once everything is out in the open, you can find out who truly cares about you and who will leave you. The ones that stay will listen to you no matter what kind of day you're having. I have gained so much relief just by finding a few people that I can talk to about things, who know everything that is going on with me. I finally feel like I have some steady support. It feels good after holding it all in for so long. If I want to get on AIM and start going on and on about life sucking to my best friends (these are different ones then the ones I mentioned previously), I can. They listen to me, comfort me when I need it, give me advice, and are just there for me in general. Thank you Ashley and Sean. :)

The point of all of this is that it's worth it to put yourself out there and tell someone, even multiple people if the first couple of ones don't listen or care. I was scared to ask my parents for therapy after I had told my two friends and they had just completely ignored it. I thought maybe cutting wasn't that big of a deal, since they just ignored it. I finally decided though that I needed help even if they thought I didn't. I can't say I'm in a better place with my depression, it feels like a constant uphill battle that I may never win. At least now I am trying to get better. You have a better chance of succeeding if you are actually trying. I am in a better place with those who care about me though. I feel like I can breathe.

Dentist

Day 28: Today, I went to the dentist. I think I am one of the only people who enjoys going to the dentist. I love how clean my teeth feel when they are done. I like the taste of fluoride (weird, huh?) and I like getting my teeth polished. I found out today though that I have to get a gum graph. I have receding gums on a couple of my teeth which means the teeth won't be properly supported. They have to add gum so that they are supported. Only upside is painkillers haha. Just kidding, I'll only use them as directed by a doctor, I promise.

Hmm what else happened today...guitar class. I love the guitar. I love playing it even though I only know eight notes. Today, I played a dumbed down version of "Jingle Bells". I was very proud of myself. It's like when I'm playing those eight little notes that I know, nothing else matters. E,C, E,C, E, G, C, D. The notes are the only thing I'm thinking about, trying my hardest to put my fingers in the right place. It amazes me that you can put three fingers down to play an E chord, strum, and have such a powerful sound come out. It feels good to be able to do something right.

I'm doing pretty well with piano too. This is my second semester so I am at the intermediate level. I'm learning all about scales, major and minor keys, and other music theory things that make my head hurt. I learned a new song in the key of G. You play some of the notes stacatto which means short and detached. Basically hitting the key but not holding it down. It's quite fun. My next class that I want to take is a singing class. I'll probably take that next semester. I have a crap voice but I figure a class might be able to make it tolerable to listen to. Think dying animal to an annoying bird. That's the progress I hope to make.

Well that's all for today's post. I'm sure I will post some extra thing like a poem later tonight once the creative juices start flowing. I always work best at night. The later the better.  I hope you all had a good day, it was another gorgeous day in Southern California.

Breathless

Day 27: I watched a movie today called "Breathless". It was made in 1960 and according to my film teacher was a French New Wave movie. It's in black and white, subtitled, and they are always smoking. It's fabulous. I don't feel like writing my own summary so here's one from IMDB:

"Michel Poiccard, an irresponsible sociopath and small-time thief, steals a car and impulsively murders the motorcycle policeman who pursues him. Now wanted by the authorities, he renews his relationship with Patricia Franchini, a hip American girl studying journalism at the Sorbonne, whom he had met in Nice a few weeks earlier."

Michel is then chased by the police and is trying to convince Particia to go to Italy with him. My favorite scene is when Particia finds Michel in her apartment. Their playful banter and interactions make me laugh. An example:

Michel Poiccard: [to Patricia] All right, I'll count to 8, and if you haven't smiled, I'll strangle you.

He then proceeds to wrap his hands around her throat and she ends up smiling and laughing. Maybe you have to watch it to understand. On another note this movie made me want to smoke. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life and yet seeing all of this smoke puffed everywhere gave me a craving for one. How can you crave what you've never had? Cigarette smoke disgusts me. Yet while watching that movie I had no other want but to be sucking in lung cancer on the streets of Paris. Odd.

Not much else to say but that you should watch this movie. It's quite good. What else...today I went to school and took two tests. I also tried the Lipton Half&half drink which is half lemonade and half tea. It wasn't half bad. Get it? Half bad? Eh I'm tired I'm just going to quit now. If you want a good song try "Gasoline" by The Airborne Toxic Event. It's been on repeat on my ipod lately. Alright well I'm just going to go now. I have a big evening of macaroni and cheese and "Chuck" planned. Bye.

Like

Day 26: *Like* Does anyone else have a problem of liking way too many things on facebook? My addiction is so bad I had to put myself on a ban from liking things for a week. I was able to do it though, that means I have self control, right? That means it's not a problem. Good, we've agreed I can keep liking things on facebook. I don't really feel like writing because I had a huge psych evaluation today that took four hours. My brain is fried. 

So here are some of my favorite likes:

"Oh, yeah, I really care about you." LOL JK, I'm a guy

thinking how annoying it must be for the person on facebook who sees how much crap you liked

"Don't go I need you in my life..." LOL jk, close the door on your way out :)

Screw a Wish...I could really use a drink right now

Sorry I missed your call! LOL JK, I ignored it :)

Saying "what if?" then going into a huge scenario that will never happen.

giving people nicknames, so nobody has a clue who you're on about.

I don't believe in 30 minute power naps. When I nap, I'm out for hours.

*logs in* *password incorrect* "OMG IM HACKED!!!!" "ohh wait caps lock is on" :)

I google everything :)

If you're going to make a fan page, it would be nice if you at least spelled it right. Just saying.      

Their. There. They're. Learn. The. Difference.

 I just can't stop liking random crap on facebook. It's addicting !

thinking of that one person before you fall asleep and wondering if they're thinking about you too.

Teenage Nightmare

Day 25: Today I was having a discussion with someone about doing normal teenage things. Normal things like football games and prom don't interest me at all. I'm not sure why. I guess I've always viewed those things as trivial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I never placed much importance on having the ultimate high school experience. Maybe that's part of my problem: I don't live in the moment. I'm so eager to get out of this period of depression, I'm skipping everything else. I feel like I just want to skip the next four years.

If I keep thinking like that though, before I know it I'll have skipped my whole life. It's hard to live in the moment when so many of those moments are pain. When the moments are great, I keep wondering when they will end because I don't want them to. I've been trying to work on this and I think I'm getting better.

 Playing the piano and guitar has helped me to do that. When I'm playing a song, it's all I'm thinking about. My mind skips ahead to the next notes trying to prepare my fingers but my hands stay right where they are supposed to be. They don't try and skip ahead.

What else to say...I'm tired today. Too many nightmares to sleep. I wrote a poem on it:

I can't remember what I ever wanted

love, money, happy is a tough fight

all I can remember is the haunted

dreams that wake me at night.

You shove me down screaming

that you never did love me.

I try and run but I can't escape

the hands that held mine so long ago.

I'm blind, can't see anything out

of my wide and open blue eyes.

I'm falling all over the place

can't keep my balance in this

castle of stone and grace.

One body, two body, and a

third body plops to the floor.

There's no blood but I can tell

that they are all dead. I'm alone

all alone, they are gone.

Transform

Day 24: I feel like writing. I don't know about what but I want to. When did everything get so complicated? I hung out with an old friend tonight and I couldn't believe the people we had become. We talked about our old friends and what they are up to now. Girls I used to respect have turned into sluts. Guys that used to be nice are sex-crazed jerks. Couples who have been together for a long time have broken up. All of these changes make me sad.

I think I'm just in one of those moods. Everything is depressing. I hate night time. During the day I can keep my fake smile on but at night it starts to peel off. My demons come out of the closet, my thoughts attack my brain. Before I know it, I'm consumed by them. Can't get away, I'm trapped. Can't pull myself out of the fog, can't remember why life is worth living. I try and endure until daytime when I transform from this ugly creature back into the girl I'm supposed to be.

I try to not change, I try to keep the smile glued on but this feeling creeps over me. My chest starts to feel heavy and a stone of sadness presses into me. Pain presses her hands down on the stone, twisting it into my heart. I beg her to stop but she only presses down harder, trying to get me to surrender. "End it. Go ahead, push the knife a little deeper, swallow a few more pills, and string the belt up. Do it or I push harder."  I don't know how much longer I can fight her...

Music, music helps. It tries to push her off and they start to fight. If only music could win. Maybe he will tonight, maybe he will. You know what song helps? "I Owe You One" by Lights. This song helps me remember all of the wonderful people in my life who I can depend on. I keep forgetting that I'm not alone.

What you've given me is more than I can say.
Cause I don't know the words to thank you properly
You pulled me from the grave and stood me on a hill
And when I was afraid you made me still.

Second Go is really good too. Let's face it, I love all of Light's songs. Just thinking about her songs makes me happy. I already feel better.

How come you love me when I am ugly
Guess I can only hope
Give me a second go,
Don't let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first

I feel better now. Thanks for listening Tumblr. Well not really, no one reads this but just writing it made me feel better ha.

Random Survey

Day 23: asubtlemistake did this random survey and it looked fun so I’m going to do it too.

Random Survey

APPEARANCE
[X] I am shorter than 5’4. 
[X] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[X] I have many scars.
[  ] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo
[X] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[X] I wear contacts/glasses
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[X] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[X] I have freckles. 

FAMILY
[ ] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[  ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[  ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[  ] I want to have kids someday.  
[  ] I want to adopt someday.
[  ] I’ve lost a child.

SCHOOL/WORK
[X] I’m in school/college
[  ] I have a job.
[ ] I’ve fallen asleep at work/school.
[X ] I almost always do my homework.
[X] I’ve missed a week or more of school.
[ X ] I’ve been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[  ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[  ] I’ve stolen something from my job
[  ] I’ve been fired.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[  ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[X] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[X] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something
[X] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

HEALTH
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[X] I’ve gotten stitches.
[X] I’ve broken a bone.
[ X ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[  ] I’ve sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ X ] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I’ve had chicken pox.
[  ] I have/had asthma.

TRAVELING
[X] I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day.
[X] I’ve been on a plane.
[ ] I’ve been to Canada.
[ X ] I’ve been to Mexico.
[ ] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[  ] I’ve been to Japan. 
[  ] I’ve Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ X ] I’ve been to Europe.
[  ] I’ve been to Africa.

EXPERIENCES
[ X ] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[ X ] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[ X ] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[ X ] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ X ] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[  ] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[  X] I’ve been to a casino.
[  ] I’ve been skydiving.
[ X ] I’ve gone skinny dipping.
[ X ] I’ve played spin the bottle.
[  ] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ X] I’ve crashed a car.
[  ] I’ve been Skiing
[ X ] I’ve been in a play.
[ X ] I’ve met someone in person from the internet.
[  ] I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[  ] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.  
[ X] I’ve sat on a roof top at night.
[ X ] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[ X ] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[  ] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ X] I’ve eaten Sushi.
[X  ] I’ve been snowboarding.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ X ] I miss someone right now.
[X ] I have a fear of abandonment.
[  ] I’ve gotten divorced
[ X ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them and didn’t get a clear response.
[  ] I’ve felt rejected even if I wasn’t.
[ ] I’ve loved someone I knew a friend was already in love with.


HONESTY
[ X ] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[ X ] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[  ] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[ X ] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I am keeping a secret from the world
[ X ] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[ X ] I’ve cheated on a test.
[  ] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES
[ X ] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ x ] I regularly drink.
[  ] I can’t swallow pills.
[X ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[ X] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ X ] I shut others out when I’m depressed.
[ X] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with anorexia or bullimia.
[ X ] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[ X ] I’ve woken up crying.

DEATH
[  ] I’m afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[ X] I’ve seen someone dying.

MATERIALISM
[  ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[X ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[  ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[  ] I own something from The Gap.
[ X ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[  ] I own something from Abercrombie.

RANDOM
[  ] I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ x ] I open up to others easily.
[ X] I watch the news.
[ ] I don’t kill bugs.
[ X] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[  ] I curse regularly.
[ X ] I sing in the shower/bath.
[ X ] I am a morning person.
[  ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ X ] I obsess over grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[  ] I twirl my hair
[  ] I have “x”s in my screen name
[  ] I love being neat
[  ] I love Spam.
[  ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day
[ X ]I can cook.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, black or blue.
[X] I would wear pajamas to school.
[  ] I like Martha Stewart.
[X ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[ X ] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.   
[X] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly
[] I believe in ghosts.
[X] I am online a lot, even as an away message.
[ ] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[] I can’t sleep if there is a roach in the room.
[X] I am really ticklish.
[] I like white chocolate
[X ] I bite my nails.
[X] I play video games.
[X] I’m good at remembering faces.
[ X] I’m good at remembering names
[] I’m good at remembering dates.
[X] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

Attention Pretty Girls

Day 22: You know what I hate? Pretty girls. No, it's not because I'm jealous. They make the world a better looking place and I fully appreciate good looking people. I hate them because they rely solely on their looks to get them through life. Now this is a generalization so I apologize if you have been genetically blessed with both beauty and the motivation to do something with your life. I know that not every attractive girl is like this but I am talking about the majority of pretty girls that I have encountered.

I hate when I hear pretty girls say that they don't have to do anything because they are pretty. The sad part is that it's true. Society allows those with good looks to get away with more then they would an ugly person. Society allows beautiful people to think they are better then other people. Society treats good looking people better.

I hate when I ask a pretty girl what  her goals in life are and she says, "To get married." No, no, NO! I will seriously flip out on you if you ever say this to me. Your goal in life should NOT be to get married. You need to be indepenent and be able to support yourself. There is no way in hell that you want to have to depend on someone else to support you. You need to contribute to society, not just be a trophy wife.

I also hate when girls (both the gorgeous and average looking) play dumb to get guys. They act perfectly intelligent and then the second a guy comes around they start feigning ignorance. Do you know the reason a guy would want a dumb girl? She's easy to get into bed with. You don't take an easy dumb girl home though, you take a smart woman home to meet your parents. Don't be naive and think playing dumb will get you a long lasting relationship. Please girls, stop acting dumb when you aren't. Why would you want to appear helpless? Sure, some guys like that so then they can appear all macho but those guys aren't worth your time. I'm not saying you have to be some sort of genius, but don't play dumb. Be yourself.

Just because your face and body are pleasing to the eye doesn't mean you can't have any goals in life. Looks only last for so long and then what will you be left with if you don't pursue anything in life? You'll have nothing. Sure, sometimes it can be tempting to use your looks in order to gain something. I see girls do it all the time. Don't. It's degrading. Work for what you want in an honest way. Achieve things with dignity and self-respect. Don't ever let anyone tell you that all you'll ever be is a pretty face.

I have a perfect example of a beautiful girl who is amazingly talented and smart. Lights. I honestly worship the ground she walks on, she is so mind blowingly awesome. Let's go over her amazingness.

1. She's gorgeous. I have heard many girls say they would join the other team for her.

2.She writes beautiful lyrics, showing that she uses her brain.

3. She is a very talented musician.

4. She's a huge nerd. She plays WOW. She collects weapons. She is any nerdy guys dream girl.

5. From what I can tell from her videos, she has a great personality. Funny, sweet, smart, and confident.

There you go pretty girls. A perfect example of  how your looks don't have to define you. You can do so much with your life! Don't waste it.

To Write Love on Her Arms

Day 21: Today is a To Write Love on Her Arms day. I think the official date is November 13th but there can always be more then one TWLOHA day. :)

"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

On TWLOHA day people write the word love on their arm. It's supposed to encourage love and let people know they are not  alone. TWLOHA is especially dear to my heart, because their website helped me a lot. About a year ago I was trying to get help on my own for my cutting, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I stumbled across the TWLOHA website one late night. I started crying when I started visiting the sites they listed like self-mutilators anonymous and websites dealing with suicide. I saw that there were thousands of people experiencing the exact same thing I was. I saw the link for how to find a therapist and through it I was able to find my current therapist. TWLOHA probably saved my life and helped me so much. I strongly believe in the cause they are working towards.

It can be scary to ask for help. I was really nervous when I asked my parents to take me to the therapist I had found. I promise you though that it's worth it to ask for help. When my therapist wanted to admit me into the Children and Adolescent program (aka the loonie bin) I was scared. I was imagining straitjackets and crazy people. It ended up being just one floor of a hospital that had rooms, a kitchen, and a rec room to hang out in. I was able to wear my own clothes and I got to do my makeup every day. The kids in there didn't hold a plastic fork to my knife and demand that I take them to their leader. The teenagers in there were there for depression, suicide, substance abuse, eating disorders, and anger management. I think one kid was there just because he got caught smoking weed by the cops.

I know a ton of people that could have been admitted to that program based on their drug and alcohol use alone. That made me feel better knowing that the program wasn't just for people like me who were suicidal. The point of that whole story is that I was scared to go there. The inpatient program ended up helping me a lot and I'm glad that I went there even though it was scary at first. It can be scary to get help but you will be glad when you do. I love everyone who is dealing with depression, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. I've been where you have been a hundred times over and I've made it through to the other side. You can too. <3

Goodbye

Day 20: I think I've finally moved on from David. I realized it last night when I was looking at some poems I had written him. I no longer felt angry. I felt at peace with what had happened between us. I wish it had ended better but I'm still glad I had the experience. I learned a lot from him and hopefully he learned something from me. He taught me that I was capable of loving someone and that it was okay to let someone in.

The funny thing is that once I started letting people in, the people I expected to leave me stayed but the person who taught me how to do that left. I've realized how many people love me in my life since I've met David. It's almost like he stayed just long enough to show me all of the wonderful people I have around me. He stayed just long enough to change my life. He taught me how to let down all of my barriers, how to throw everything you have towards loving someone, how to dream, and how to take risks.

To say one final goodbye I am going to post sections of my poems that represent the good and the bad times. I really need to just let it all out so that I can completely let go of him. I want him to be happy and if it makes him happy not talking to me, then that's what I'll do. The sad thing is that if he told me right now that he loved me and wanted to work it out I would probably take him back despite all of the heartache he caused me. I know he won't though. I was so happy with him. I hadn't been that happy in a really long time and I'm scared that I may not find it again. I can't let that stop me from moving on though.

I learned to love:

I had a heart that couldn’t love anyone,

anything, couldn’t miss, couldn’t feel,

a soul that wouldn’t bend, could only break

until I found you, a someone to trust,

someone to take a trusting chance on.

If you’re hurting and there’s too much

for your young age to handle then I’ll go,

go ahead and leave because I value you

more then I value myself. I can take

the burn and the hurt but I’m not

so sure about you, you’re a little fragile

and I would rather break then see it

happen to you, what’s one more time

to be busted and broken up? I know I

can handle the pain, depression is my game,

one that I always win, so I’ll take the blame

at least one of is left with a sane brain.

He wasn't there for me when I needed him the most:

I waited every day for you to call

show me that I wasn't alone

that you would help when I fall

but I really was all on my own.

I cry sometimes because I was scared

and no one, not even you, was there

to keep me reassured in that crazy place.

If the place is crazy then I am crazy too

I'm too far down in the blue and sometimes

I hate that you aren't down here too,

that I have to deal with bad times

and you aren't even there to see

me through this long nightmare.

I had a feeling we were over when I felt something for someone else:

I thought I would miss him

but you are the one my mind

cannot outrun or out swim

somehow we became aligned

and now I can't imagine

waking up without you here.

We only had a faction

of time to be close and near

but I had a reaction

somewhere inside of me that

maybe changed my crazy mind

into thinking the type of love exists

that made you wish you were unkissed.

I feel like a betrayer now

I confused my heart and self

never thought I was the type

to have a love I could shelf

your sudden, sneaky sideswipe

caught my whole heart by surprise

now I'm questioning my words

that I wrote, were they all lies?

I really did love him:

It wasn’t love at first sight (for me)

it wasn’t love at first kiss (for me)

it was love at first goodbye

when I realized that I didn’t

want you to leave that I needed

you in my life.

I want you there when things are

great and when they are a crazy.

When you’re down I’m even lower and

when you’re up I’m flying too.

I know I never have to hide anything

from you, because you don’t

expect perfection from me, no,

you know that I’m out of control.

We had some good times:

I love how my hand fits in yours

and how I’m so much shorter than you.

I love kissing when we’re walking with

our arms wrapped around each other.

I miss looking at us in the mirror,

our faces flushed from kissing,

our smiles so much purer

than before.

The way I fit perfectly next to you

when we’re laying down,

my head on your chest

your heartbeat makes

me smile.

I never had to worry when I was with you

about being nervous  making conversation

you do enough talking for the both of us

 you always do good in social situations.

The way you get my sarcasm and how

I can get a good joke on you and you

can get one on me but we’re both

good enough sports to not get hurt feelings.

It was nice while it lasted. Thanks for everything. Goodbye.

Sluts and Whores

Day 19: Whores. Can't live with em', can't live without em'. Actually that saying doesn't apply to whores at all, I just felt like saying it. Today's topic: whores. Other names for a whore are slut, tramp, hoe, wench, floozy, vamp, hussy, and many more colorful names. I don't understand  them...I really don't. How can you be physical with someone you don't care about? Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. That's the point of hugs, kissing, etc. is to show someone you care about them. If you're doing those things and you don't care about them, all you're telling them is, "I find you physically attractive."

How degrading is that? I mean seriously doesn't that bother you? I want to be liked for my personality not for the way I look. There are lots of hot people in the world. Nowadays you can buy beauty. A good personality is what is hard to find. Also, if you throw sex and other intimate things around like they're nothing, what happens when you meet someone who  actually means something to you? The things you do with them won't mean anything because you've already done it so many times before them with a lot of different people.

It's like chocolate cake. If you eat chocolate cake every day it's not special anymore. Plus, you get fat. If you're hooking up with a different person every night or week then the act loses its value. Then when you find someone you really like and you want to make them feel special, you can't. You can't because you've already done the same thing with too many people. That new person is no different and you have nothing left to offer them.

It's kind of surprising that I'm not a slut. I get addicted to everything else, I don't know why boys would be any different. Actually, I am kind of a whore when I think about it. Not a physical whore but an emotional whore. I flirt with guys and make them like me but then when they show interest in me I reject them. I just realized what a cruel bitch I am.I might as well just go the whole nine yards and start hooking up with a ton of guys. LOL jk I'm not going to start whoring myself out. I've got enough problems without having to deal with being a slut. It sounds like a lot of work. Too much work for a lazy butt like me.

I understand that hooking up is a coping method just like cutting, alcohol, and drugs. I guess it's a coping method that I just don't understand. It's probably because I'm so anti-social. And I'm too picky. Oh well I guess I'm just not cut out to be a whore. As a side-note, why does Chinese food taste ten times better out of a takeout box? Ah, the mysteries of life...

Escape

Day 18: What is so appealing to about alcohol and drugs? You can escape. It amazes me that you can drink, smoke, snort, inject, or take a pill and immediately feel happy. No more thinking and in my case, no more feeling numb. I can finally feel something instead of the nothingness that has a grip on me. I feel alive, not like an empty shell.

It's sad that alcohol has this much control over me. No, I'm not drinking every day but I think about it a lot. I crave it, dream about the loss of inhibition. I finally can say and feel everything I want to, I don't have to hold anything in. I love everything about drinking and sometimes I even miss the hangovers. Being hungover is a bonus because it extends the torture on yourself. With cutting there's no aftermath of the infliction (unless you count infection). With drinking you suffer the consequences and you get be reminded the next day how worthless you are. It's sick that I think like this.

My favorite type of intoxication is when you're just laying there, staring at something. It could be your hand or the wall. Whatever it is, you're just sitting there staring at it for what feels like hours. Your mind is completely clear. All the clutter has been swept aside and all that is left is the pure, simple moment of you staring at your hand. There's something beautiful about not thinking.

I'm afraid. Alcoholism and drug abuse runs heavily in my family. I'm predisposed to it. Luckily, I've been able to stay away from drugs...illegal ones anyway. Can't say I'm clean of prescription ones but illegal ones I've avoided like the plague. I know if I tried even one thing I would fall in too deep to get out. I've never been the type of person to stop at one thing, drugs wouldn't be any different.

Unfortunately, I haven't stayed away from alcohol. Big mistake. I have no self-control, I can't stop at one or two drinks. And now that I just keep experimenting with more and more over the counter/prescription drugs, I can feel my addictive personality kicking in. I can already see myself going down the same path I went down with cutting...I can't go back there.

I can't stay here though, self-destructing because I just don't give a crap about what happens to me. I need to pull it together. I need to get a grip. I need to stop being pathetic. After tonight's experiment, I promise no more. I don't want to break this promise, I want to keep it. I will keep it. I promise.

Snails

Day 17: Today I searched on tumblr, "love sucks". The results were tragic. Post after post of people who have had their hearts broken. Page after page of broken promises. Line after line of dreams crushed. Word after word of destroyed love. A bloody battlefield where my own corpse lays obliterated by the bomb of love.  How are this many people suffering from what is supposed to be one of the greatest things on the planet? Why do we all fall for these jerks? Why does love blind us?

People hurt us, we hurt others, why can't we all just get along? All I want is some honesty. People are cowards when it comes to love. There's no need for games. If you love someone, tell them. If you've fallen out of love with them, tell them. Easy as that. No ignoring, no playing hard to get, no using other people to make them jealous. JUST TELL THE TRUTH! How hard is it? Not hard at all, in my opinion. I would be completely open to having a broken heart as long as my heart had been broken by honesty. Mine was broken by lies, as hearts often are.

One of the main themes of all of the posts I read is that we hate and love the person at the same time. The person was so perfect in our eyes, we loved everything about them and then they screwed us over. It's hard to accept that someone you thought so much of could do that to you. It's hard to accept that maybe you were blinded and fooled. No one wants to be made a fool of. Everyone has a story along the same lines though.

We are all snails, drawn into our shells, with our defenses up. We meet another snail that is crawling around and is out of their shell. They slowly coax you out of your shell. You may recoil a couple of times but the other snail always reassures you that it will be ok. The other snail gains your trust. You emerge from your shell and the world is amazing! Everything is beautiful, it's a whole new world to explore and the other snail is there, helping you every step of the way. You're just getting used to the idea of being out in the open, when suddenly you are ambushed! The other snail dumps a jar of salt on you. You bubble and ooze with pain, in shock that the other snail, your snail, betrayed you.

In conclusion, we are all snails. We all have gotten salt poured on us, we all have scars. The question is, will we take that chance again? Will we ever trust another snail again? My answer is yes, yes I will. I may be a little bit more guarded the next time but I won't contain my heart. Eventually, a snail will come along that will also have had salt poured on them a lot of times (in this world snails don't die from salt) but they will trust me and I will trust them. Together, we'll come out of our shells.

Tik Tok

Glozell Tik Tok Video

Glozell’s videos always make my day. If you’re ever in a bad mood just watch these. I’d thought I’d share a mood boost.

Blood Shots

Day 15: I don't have much to say today except that I'm happy. Everything isn't perfect but it's good enough for me. I don't know why I would choose a happy day to post this poem but here it is:

Blood Shots

Down one shot, down two.

I’m liking where I’m going

and don’t want to get off

of this alcohol fueled train.

Because this train is taking

me out depression and into

“Finally I’m feeling happy.”

Population 1 and that’s me.

Down three, down four.

How many more till I can say

everything I think?

Down five, down six. Lost track of how many

times my throat has burned.

My heart feels mellow but my tongue is racing.

All of my secrets spilling out like

the copper liquid that took me here.

And I’m down and low, can’t get back up.

I’m back into the blue depression,

Population 1 and that’s me.

Now my knife is calling,

“Come and play.”

Only a few cuts,

it will be okay.

But once I get a taste

of that slicing pain,

I want more and more,

need more to keep the demons away.

“What demons?”,  I think, can’t remember now.

But I like the blood coming out,

I want to see more.

Fat drops of scarlet blob and run

together making a painting on my thigh.

Back to happy,

Population 1 and that’s me.

Adult Dreams

Day 14: Wow it has been two weeks already! Time sure does fly by when you’re blogging. I wrote this poem for a guy I met during the LBI (Loonie Bin Incident) and I thought I would share it:

Adult Dreams

Red balloons float around

the park, swings swishing

the kids on them, flying

them high up to the birds.

You and I are there.

A little blonde girl and

the boy I imagine you to be.

Playing, laughing, and skipping

across the green grass.

We are completely care-free.

No more scars or hate.

You love yourself and

don’t worry about weight.

I smile and grin, so content

to be, just be.

We sing and giggle,

daydreaming about how

we’ll be when we leave

this perfect scene and

finally grow up.

I wish I could teleport us back,

before all this happened. Back

to this dream I have you and I

being happy.

I hope my dream comes true.

Day 13: Ashley's boyfriend just left for a year to study abroad. Between my "break-up" and her loss of love we are quite the odd pair. We both try and distract each other and comfort each other's insecurities. During this time I have come up with a lot of encouragment/suggestions for how to get over someone both for myself and for Ashley. Well not getting over someone for her but how to miss someone less. I've made a list of things that I have been doing to help myself:

1.Angry break-up songs. These are essential. You need empowering, "Screw you! I'm better off without you and you never deserved me!" songs. No love songs...ever!

2.Comfort food. Stock up on Ben and Jerry's, cookies, and Hot Cheetos. Well the Hot Cheetos are my own personal preference but you get the picture.

3.Self-improvement. Work out, eat healthier, buy new clothes, try some new makeup looks, wear perfume...be sexy! Know you're hot and work it. Show him what he's missing. Be the best person you can be WITHOUT him!

4. Activities-Pick up new hobbies or complete a project. I personally have been writing, blogging, playing music, and making youtube videos. I also have been looking for a job. Go out with your friends! Let them comfort you, talk trash about the ex, do whatever brings up your girl-power!

5. The 5 Stages- Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's good to know what stage you're in because then you know how close you are to the end of it. That's my personal opinion. I'm not sure which stage I'm in...I'm think I'm in the anger and acceptance stages. I'm pass denial, bargaining, and depression. I guess mine are out of order.

6. When you feel like you are ready, flirt! I'm not saying you have to dive back into dating right away but smile at a cute guy! When he smiles back, which he will, you'll feel amazing. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to have a girl like you! Guys who will treat you right and appreciate you! You're a hot, independent, and smart woman who has a lot to offer. Go get em'. :)